Here we go. I’m about to embark on the most difficult two days of my college career so far. I have the same professor in two of my classes (Anthropology 4171 and Anthropology 5131) and so, of course, he’s given the midterm for both classes at the same time. It is, however, a take-home midterm, the first consisting of a series of four essays at four pages each and the second of five essays at four pages each (a total of 36 pages across 9 essays). The subjects for these essays cover some five full-length ethnographic studies and books and a number of readings from journals. At the same time, I have an essay to do in my English 5030 class, most probably about Sidney and some of his sonnets. All of this work is due Thursday — around 36 hours from now. Eha. Here I go… (Suicide tablet on standby.)
Monthly Archives: June 2000
Okay, I have to say this because I heard it again today… “Didn’t you hear? Depression went out of style with grunge.” Bullshit! I’ll be depressed if I want to be, I don’t give a damn if my feelings are fashionable or not. Where do you X-stoned happy-ass fashion kids get your feelings? Out of a Calvin Klein bottle? I certainly don’t decide which feelings to have by watching MTV for an hour, and I think it’s fairly sad that some people do these days. I’ll feel how I feel, and that’s it.
I wasn’t even depressed. I was in a good mood… But now I’m pissed off because I keep hearing this shit from people. I hated the disco ’70s and I hate the year 2000 so far, because it’s so damn plastic. I much preferred grunge — at least it was real for some percentage of the participants. *sigh* Well… One more rant on the Web. Gotta go. I’m having a personal The Who revival concert in front of my sound system in 10 minutes.
Things are broken. A surreal night. I am very busy days, but now it is dark. Short sentences and wandering eyes against the wall. In the morning, there will be light and later, waking, but now there is only thinking and breathing. The veins on my hand are visible and I am watching them. I will be going back to Los Angeles and San Francisco sometime in August, cash permitting. There are few things so useless as wasted time. Bury me deeply and sing. Got to pay the taxman. Now, I’m smiling.
Well, it’s next week and life is still basically the same. Hmm… I may be doing something wrong? Dunno. I’m playing a little with video editing (see the tech section) and enjoying it. Maybe I’ll do that for a living. That’s it, I’ll make music videos… if only they weren’t a dying art form. *shrug* I guess I’m an old fart. I was watching some old Beavis and Butthead episodes I’ve got on tape. Times change, that’s for damn sure. Sent off a shitload of bills. Got a hell of a lot of reading to do and a hell of a lot of freelance work to get through.
I’m not getting a lot of use out of my hat.
Now 34 hours of straight television. I have to get some sleep. I’m thinking continuously about how I need to get off my ass and get some sort of a life going on. I’m a little dissatisfied with the prospect of another year sitting in Salt Lake City studying, though I’m also not sure that I want to quit school when I’m so close to graduating. I’m thinking maybe I want a motorcycle and a new place to live? I need a drink.
I’m very frustrated that my grandparents are all dead… Especially my grandfather on my dad’s side, who I always thought was very wise. I’m sure he’d have some advice if only I could carry on a conversation with him right now… But I can’t. What will I do with my life? What do I want? Even if I stay in school, a year isn’t that long… I will soon have a degree but no plans or ambitions to go with it. I could, of course, just grab a plane ticket to somewhere, get a place, and so on, just to take up time — but moving around the country just to keep moving hardly seems like something that’s worth the effort, at least when you’re just doing it because you’ve got nothing else to do.
And the world is so full of pretentious little shits… Most of the people out there who try to pass themselves off as “adult” are little more than buzzword-spouting faux-enlightened assholes full of psychobabble and feigned self-awareness and lacking any quality education, posessing what instead passes for education in this country. I get tired of dealing with Americans. We are a superficial, stuck-up, stupid, soulless people. Sadly, the people who provide the best evidence for the point that I am trying to make are those in what we consider to be our intelligencia…
I’ve been watching television for 22 straight hours without sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, doing any homework, or anything. My jeans are slowly wearing out. I need a drink.
Shit. I’m still antisocial. I still don’t like people, in general, very much. Not good. What this means for my future, I can’t say, but it doesn’t bode well that I’d rather sit in the darkness and stare into nothing that have a conversation with a living, breathing human. Why? It’s just so tiresome having to deal with another mind in my own “mindspace” or whatever one can call it.
Other stuff: there are so many innocent people in the city. The scary thing is, I may be one of them. I can never tell. I have to get out of here — it’s eating my future. It, it, IT, IIIIIT. I will become a monk and break heavy canes across my bleeding back. And the coffee will be good. Shit.