Sometimes, everything gets to be a little too much. Sometimes I remember when I was five years old, with my dog in my parents’ backyard, waiting for my dad to come home from work so that we could go out for pizza.
After remembering, I usually can’t think for the rest of the day.
November and December next. Endings. Life is very bittersweet, isn’t it? It’s very hard to know what to do, what to say…
Israel has killed another large batch of Palestinians today; during the same time period, no citizens of Israel have been killed. So what does Israel say about this? “Obviously the Palestinians don’t want peace. The cease-fire is off.”
What? What kind of sense does this make? Israel is killing Palestinians but Palestine is not killing Israelis, so obviously the Palestinians don’t want peace?
Smoke some more crack?
Resurrected an old PowerMac 6100 with a lot of soldering and installed a MkLinux R1 along with an experimental nubus LinuxPPC kernel on it. Some of the old “joy of hacking” seems to be back for me.
My sister’s laptop is better than mine. *sniff*
I’m supposed to be making tax payments (there is a due date!) but the stinking Utah State Tax Commission hasn’t sent me my paperwork yet. Do I get penalized if they botch it? Probably. I hate this state and this country.
Risky writing workshop today, but it went better than I had expected. I pulled something incredibly pretentious out of my hat, which is always dangerous, but it went well. I’m happy about this. I’m less happy about my nonfiction writing right now, which is proceeding more slowly. Shit.
On another note, some of the sub-pages in various parts of this site are starting to show up now. Only three of the 29 most important, but that’s a start. My goal is to have every internal link working (i.e. all pages made) by the new year. Anybody with suggestions is free to e-mail me and convey them.
Some people believe in the fundamental goodness of humanity. I don’t. That is my problem.
Someone recently asked me why I don’t “get into a relationship” if I’m a little lonely. The problem is, it’s much deeper than that; my ennui can’t be fixed by any woman or by any person. I am dissatisfied with existence and the few possibilities that I can see in it. Or rather, I can’t accept the contrast between what existence claims to offer and what one discovers it really offers, at its core.
Existence offers almost nothing. Not even a conscious self… Certainly not pleasure or — much more importantly — comfort.
It rained very hard in Salt Lake City today, marking the true beginning of the cold season, which I love. I love it because in it I can be, at least a little more than usual, my own comfort. You see, in the cold my warmth matters to me. I can feel and know it and it is pleasant. In the summer, one has to face truth: even one’s own warmth means little.
The conflict between Israel and Arafat is erupting again. Once again, Jews and Arabs are killing each other, and it makes me very sad. The Palestinians are without a homeland. Surely the Israelis can understand the pain? Surely the tanks at least are inflammatory…
Yes, I am informed on the issue. Perhaps better than most.
I hope they sort it out.
I have decided to go to Florence and Tuscany.
It is fall and I am lonely. There is little for me to do for the next year but work and wait.