A lot of work to be done over the next few days. I have an entire fourth of a book to write, plus a paper, several workshops, a presentation on a work of German literature, and a few films to see. I should be very stressed, and in a way I am, but *shrug* mostly I’m not.
I’m having a little trouble understanding what’s real. I keep watching my legs as I walk and seeing them going forward, then backward… And I wonder, “when will these jeans wear out?”
So I’ve been drinking huge pots of green tea all night, alternating with pints of Guinness. Earlier, I spent a couple of hours sleeping with my sister’s Beagle, who licks a lot. Plato would have liked her, I think? I don’t know.
I’m going to take the bus from now on. It’s winter and I want to see the city. I want to see everyone’s breath and all of the coats. I want to get wet. I want to be cold. I love, you Winter.
I am down to having no friends and a two-week pile of continuous work again. The revolving people-door spins quickly in my case, and my lifestyle isn’t of the sort that can keep new faces flowing into it all of the time. I can feel myself slowly becoming strange, isolated, like the people who commit odd crimes and later appear on television when they get the death penalty. In order to keep a decent friend-count at any time in spite of the movement of life, one must have regular contact with new people in some environment outside of the context of “drinks with friends” that one already has. Generally, this environment is work or maybe this hobby or that pastime. I have no work outside my small cubicle because I am fully independent. Work is nobody other than me, me and me. I have no hobbies and no pastimes other than chewing on my teeth and looking out the window. I’ve never liked to do anything, much less to do it with anybody. I was always a creepy kid. Now I’ve become a creepy adult.
Not good. My isolation will kill me, sooner or later. Maybe this is why I like to drink so much lately — I hate having people everywhere, but I hate being alone as well. Anybody want to give me advice?
It may be impossible to continue at this work rate in total isolation for very long. But on the other hand, the only way to get out of total isolation is to give up most of the work. If I do that, there’s no reason for me to un-isolate myself anymore. Catch-22.