It’s 3:00 AM on a Monday morning. I’m turning off the light, flipping off the tube, and sitting in the dark. Got to leave for class in under five hours. I hate that feeling… knowing in advance that you’re not going to get anywhere near enough sleep and that you’re going to go through yet another day snoring at your professors from behind the backpack on your desk. Time just gets away from me…
I was looking in the mirror earlier and I realize that I look like a felon now… too much weight-lifting [a.k.a. stress-relief] has given me the biceps and shoulders I always wanted when I was in high school, but now they just look frightening, like people will start to suspect me of things or avoid me on the street. Time to cut back on calories a little and stop lifting for a while.
Still don’t know what to do after I graduate. Options include  a graduate degree program in one of: film, english criticism, creative writing, anthropology, archaeology, egyptology, journalism or even (!?) linguistics or Middle Eastern studies;  no graduate studies at all — just heading right out into the big white-collar creep-up-this-ladder world;  an odyssey of sorts — maybe to Alaska to work the fishing boats, maybe into the Peace Corps to try and do some good, or even into the AmeriCorps;  total bumness — I get my backpack on and disappear, maybe for a decade, maybe forever.
Right now it seems like I change my mind about once a day. It’s pretty obvious that I’m still not a “driven” person, in spite of the fact that I’m finally getting somewhere in school. I can’t give in concrete terms exactly what I want from life. I can only dance around it in abstracts. I definitely don’t want happiness — too tiring. Nor do I want peace — too boring. I suppose what I want is translucency — just a glimpse, not of life, but through life — just once. I want visions — endless walking and seeing. Call me a new-ager, but I feel like my mission in life is as a kind of seeker — only I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to be looking for.
Maybe at some point I’ll find out. Or maybe I’ll simply know when I’ve found it? Or is that too trite? Probably it’s all too trite. So shoot me.