What does it all mean?
What does it all mean?
Breaking up is hard, but keeping dark is hateful
I had so many dreams, I had so many
but you my love were kind
but love has left you dreamless…
Perhaps you’re smiling now,
smiling through this darkness,
but all I have to give is guilt for dreaming.
We should be on by now…
Just finished writing an ass-big-ass-old-ass paper for paleoanthropology on the viability of A. afarensis as a discrete taxonomic unit.
That marks one. There are two more term papers, one more midterm and four finals to go. We are in final countdown to graduation, folks.
Three weeks. Three weeks. Three weeks. Three weeks.
Oh man, I just had a major “my past comes back to haunt me” moment. I think I just aged about a decade. Learn not to act rashly in your youth, boys!
Got to get to work on my paper.
I hate school and I’m way tired of Anthropology. I’m tired of English. I’m tired of academics and of white collar work. It’s meaningless. University is a free-market hoax. When does your life begin? Never. You’re always studying and trying to get by. What do you have to talk about? Nothing. Your last homework assignment. Who can you relate to? Only the other students who also don’t have time to talk to you. What does it get you? The same wage as a taxi driver, except he makes friends, gets tips, travels and has days that differ from one another.
It may be time to end this diary until I get out of school and on with things. Certainly I’ve had nothing of value to say for two years now while I’ve been studying. I’m not sure why I’m still studying, except that I’m so close to being done it almost doesn’t matter one way or the other so I might as well cling until I slide off.
I want to paint it black.
Hey Jennie, if you still read this thing, today I could wring your neck for ever having existed in the first place! Well, there at least is something different.
I am leaving waste behind… waste and Sundays. Shut up and get out already. I’m drinking.
It seems as though I spend every night sitting, staring out the window, avoiding homework and wondering if there is something on Earth worth fighting for. Seems a waste for someone of my intellect and inflated ego to be born into the age of politically correct corporate democracy…
Still, the clouds are beautiful, and so are the darkness and the smell of rain on concrete, romantic like the cold war once was. Back then, there were scents and sights and moments worth savoring because there was a danger in being… Not self-imposed danger — not heroin chic or fast motorcycles or silly reality television — just the danger of existence… the bomb and the ethos in which it was steeped. These days the best you can hope for is starvation via wage-slavery at the hands of Uncle Sam and Wal-Mart. Mundane, indeed.
My hand is still numb. Apparently the doc understood well what he was saying when he told me it was a month or more until it would heal. Damn. There’s a dull ache in my arm just above and the whole thing feels plastic, like I’d bolted it on after growing nearly to middle-age.
For the first time today, I was in the “30 something” category on someone’s marketing survey. You get accustomed to being in the younger groups, and until now even at 25 I’d always been in “18-25” as a rule… But on a piece of marketing material I answered today [no, don’t ask] I fell into the “25-31” group. Damn. And soon I will be a grad student. I’m getting older. At some point I will find grey hair, and then I will see a receeding hairline and will be told that I’m just achy because my joints are a little older, like the rest of me.
When are you supposed to suddenly grab a spouse and fry up some kids? I certainly don’t feel the inclination, but I do seem to have this fear that by the time I do it may be later than would otherwise have been comfortable…
Ye gods, what a long diary entry. Ciao.
Things are turning samey, bulb-o-matic, banal. More darkness, more winks, more smiles. Got to get back into my own skin, into the zone where I feel comfortable. Work on it. Work on it.
Humidity in Salt Lake City today: 66%. Holy mother of God, I’m not used to this at all. This is supposed to be the west desert, not the west greenhouse.
Accidentally got a DVD player for my PC. Cool.
Haven’t done as much homework as I’m supposed to.
It’s 4:30 in the morning and I just saw Apocalypse Now again for the first time in a long time. My head is spinning. My hand is still numb. I wonder if I will ever have feeling in those fingers again? Doctor thinks so, but it will take a month or two.
Put the DVD away and now I’m going to sit and think for a while. Or maybe… Do I ever sleep? Someday I hope to do it nearly all the time.
Film school? Or maybe…
Seem to have done some nerve damage to my right arm (I won’t mention how…) I hope it’s only temporary, because it’s driving me nuts only being able to use my index finger and thumb properly. Certainly it @#$%’s with my typing, which I desperately need for all the papers I’m going to do. I tried to ask my mother-with-a-degree what she thought I ought to do (i.e. take an anti-inflammatory, put some ice on it), but she’s such a hippie now she tells me “studies show” that ibuprofen kills 50% of your white blood cells and that I should eat grape seeds and candied ginger to help heal instead. *sigh* What a load of shit. I took ibuprofen and put an ice pack on it. I’m not a doctor but at least I’m not a raving granola.
I only have a brief moment off from class (i.e. this holiday) before all hell breaks loose for one last month. Not really looking forward to it, but there’s not much I can do about it now. I’m so stressed, I dreamed about it all last night — that I had been spacing assignments and missing classes without intending to — and normally I never dream. Well, not when it’s appropriate, anyway.
Still trying to find a source for an 8×32 Kenko or CrystalVue scope/lens for my camera. I really need to get ahold of one so that I have the power for decent tele (or more accurately extreme close-up) shots.
Gotta find a source of income as good as I once had so that I can do a lot of traveling once school is out. I want to be away for several months at least…