Changes. (sigh) Sold my Web pad, I’m yanking a whole bunch of hardware out of the I/O monster and getting rid of it, packing things in boxes and shuffling things around into a “ready to move” state. The biggest question remains open. I have to find someone who’s willing to take me on.
I mean this in two senses: first, I need to get a publisher going for two more book projects that I need to complete in the first half of this year. But also, as that is going on, I need to be applying every-damn-where for grad school.
Yup, I am a freelance author once again, everyone. I know I said I wouldn’t be, but job hunting is no fun for someone with BA degrees in the humanities. Since I already know I can be a successful author, I may as well be one. There are worse things to be.
Really, I’m in the odd position of always having been outshined by myself. I feel as though I’ve always been known for what I have done or for who and what I have had around me instead of being known as myself, as a human being. I suppose everyone feels that way… at least, that’s what the existentialists thought. Still, I sometimes feel as though I am more “privileged” in this regard than most. Having been a “gifted” student in a brain academy as a little kid, then becoming a minor criminal and dropping out of high school as a teen, then getting accepted to university at sixteen… The pink hair, the bedroom “supercomputing” institute, the odd and fast cars, unusual tastes in music and movies and books and everything else and neon, neon, neon lights around me… Sometimes I felt like a caricature of myself.
I think that’s why I got an anthropology degree — it was the most “far away” I could get… where finally I became just another western-world citizen like anyone else. Instead of having to outdo myself all the time, instead of having to live up to the standards of exceptionalism that I’d already accidentally set, I could suddenly lay back and relax, a part of something, more same finally than different.
By the end of 2002, I think, my life will look very different from how it looks today, from how it has looked so far.
I hope I don’t have to give up my cat.