Why am I so antisocial sometimes? Because of capitalism. Every time I go out, see other people, everyone in the room is a rival, wishing me ill, whether they realize it or not, in order to increase their own prospects for wealth. Sometimes the weight of competing with everyone else in society, in having to wish them ill as well as a part of the function of the economy and of life — is too much to bear.
I’d rather consider everyone my friend. I’d rather feel some sort of solidarity with my fellow citizens. But over the years, I have been shown time and time again just how competitive we really are. For some people, this is a way to thrive — they can separate the ill will of mutual competition from the good will of other aspects of life, and even somehow see that ill will as “friendly” competition.
I can’t. When I compete for food, for opportunity, for time, those who I compete with must be my enemy, because they would take my food, my opportunity, and my time from me and keep it for themselves, even in excess — because it is their goal to become “rich” just as it must be mine. But I can’t happily “channel” that aggression into pure success as some people seem to be able to do.
So instead I treat everyone as a threat, and I must try to outdo each of them with a grimace on my face, to take away their chances and food and money in order to eat or to live in a way that I find comfortable.
Sometimes [i.e. right now, this morning especially] I find this very, very tiring. I don’t know how to resolve it; the entire world is westernizing, moving toward capitalism.
I always get told “America is the greatest nation on Earth, the land of opportunity. You think those non-western societies are so great, just wait until you get to one of them and see how oppressed you are.”
News flash: I want to be “oppressed.” Opression for some is freedom for others. I want to be poor, to have nothing, to work only for myself and my family, to live a very simple life, to feel as though I’m not trying to take the spoon out of anyone else’s mouth. I don’t want the “freedom” to be exposed to rampant, omnipresent white collar crime and the cold aggressiveness-selfishness-meritocracy of capitalism.