Today I did one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my whole entire life and now that I’ve done it I’m about 90% sure it’s not going to turn out well at all. I’m going nearly nuts trying to clear my head, trying to have a “zen-like” attitude about it. I’m not going to lose. If it turns out badly, I will sell my car and take care of things anyway, though that too will put me in a very tough position and the initial loss will still be etched in stone, unerasable.
This whole incident proves to me that I cannot live in the western world, in the cash & credit economies. I just can’t function well that way… I do stupid, stupid things and get myself into trouble because I don’t want to see how it all really works until it’s too late. The only way I can possibly survive in the western world is to become a cop or a prosecutor, where crookedness is merely a matter of opinion, not a matter of law.
If this all turns out well, I am going to cross myself about a thousand times, sell everything I own, close all of my accounts and get out of here before I do myself some real harm. I cannot play this game called “living in America” at all and it just convinces me more than ever that if I stay here, I will eventually end up in prison for the rest of my life. It’s not the written rules that are my problem. I can follow those. It’s the unwritten rules and the culture that get me.
My mind just does not work the same way as the typical American mind. At all. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
There is a kind of rage that I feel… I still feel it, all these years later, like I used to when I was a teenager. It’s not rage at anyone or anything… It’s just a kind of rage at the failure of life to meet with expectations. I suppose this can happen when your parents are too good… When you are raised to believe in how things should work in some kind of utopian world — despite the fact that the world (and especially America) are a kind of mercenary hell.
Perhaps I need Prozac. Perhaps I need heroin. Perhaps I just need alcohol. Perhaps I need God — but I have no idea where to find him and as the product of a liberal arts education, I am compelled to disbelieve.
It’s too early in the morning to write coherently; tomorrow anyone reading this will (once again) think me imbalanced. Let’s see, what can I find to complain about… the death penalty, the wealthy, the pious, the ethnocentric, the government, life itself, scam artists, bankers, economists, telephone sanitizers, hate of Arabs, hate of anyone, history, humans, law, lawlessness, quality of life… ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.
I don’t feel like much of a smartass right now, unfortunately.