Last entry of the year, probably. It’s been an odd year. I’ve traveled less this year after expecting it to be one of my biggest travel years ever. I went back to school after a two-year hiatus. I worked at least three different jobs and ended up deciding not to sue someone who didn’t pay me. It sort of feels like nothing really happened this year, like I was just busy at a lot of nonsense and then it was all over, but then I guess no news is good news.
Happy new year, you lot.
It is snowing heavily again. It is rather like being trapped in hell after it has frozen over. I hate Salt Lake City with a passion.
It is still snowing. You know it’s a serious storm when things start to close in Salt Lake City as a result of the snow. Trees are snapping like twigs under the weight… Well over a foot in the last twenty-four hours alone… Higher up (i.e. Snowbird), they’ve got a lot of stuck resort-goers because the canyons are currently not passable, for any vehicles… The canyons have four to five feet of snow right now, and some resorts in the cottonwoods are reporting over 230 inches on the season so far.
It’s snowy here, everybody.
A strange few days. I won’t bother with details. Also got the rest of my grades for the quarter. I have been driving much and accomplishing little. The visit has been interesting, but I am ready for the holiday season to be over. I am ready for a proper vacation. Too bad I won’t have one until (at least) March (if even then).
Maybe I am ready for radical changes in my life. Or maybe not.
I have no patience. None.
Salt Lake City makes me more aggressive, more taut.
No holiday spirit here. Not yet. I’m happy to visit w/the family, of course, but in a way I feel like I did all last year… like I’m waiting to leave for school. I don’t really know what to do with myself or who to see. Old temptations begin to come back. I don’t want to call anybody yet. It’s pretty cold right now… well below freezing… I haven’t been to the island yet.
There is liberation in capitulation… isn’t there now…?
Sometimes I think I’m much more self-centered than even I realize.
I shall be free.
I have been given a restoration project to work on. The item is a very fragile piece of history. The work is very slow, but also very pleasing. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to get out to the island today… No car access. I may have to rent a car before the season is out.
Hmm… Maybe I didn’t figure anything out at all. I have confused myself. I am going to bed.
Ah-ha! Eureka! 🙂
For a moment I understand everything, including myself… again. What a beautiful thing! And nobody around to drink a toast with. Nevermind. Note to self: you know what makes you happy. Keep fscking at it and don’t sacrifice it for things anymore.
Maybe it will be a happy holidays after all.
(Why do I forget things like this?)
It’s been two years since I could write. I still don’t know what’s wrong. I still don’t know where my words went. Did I kill them? Did I write too damn many tech books? I can’t hear anything anymore, and when I pretend it doesn’t fscking sound right.
I know it’s all still there somewhere, and I can feel it slowly devouring me, but I can’t seem to reach it. I’m well defended against myself anymore, I don’t trust myself as far as I can throw me so I can’t tell myself what I’m thinking or what I’m feeling.
It’s been two damn years since I could write and I’m needing, I’m fscking needy. I read what I did before and everything resonates. I want to know what’s under my shadow again but whichever way I turn, I can’t catch it any longer, I can’t make it stop for me.
I try to analyze exactly what it is that’s changed, but the only answer that I find is everything — everything has changed. Unfortunately, beyond my own event horizon, nothing has changed, the flavor is the same and the same nonsense touches my skin when I walk, when I sleep, when I think.
Bah! There is no answer. I’m reaching for something that never was.
Salt Lake City. It’s pretty cold here right now, and there’s snow. Spent all day in airports and on airplanes, nearly missed a connection due to flight delays.
I don’t really have anything to say here.
Flight confirmed. Packing nearly done. Will run to the store and grab some needed shit and will then spend the rest of the evening watching DVDs since it seems that everyone that I know in town has already left town and I have no inclination to fsck about with “trying to make new friends” just now.
There is no fscking downfall and there is no fscking salvation. There’s just more of the same tomorrow.
Whatever happened to 1995?
This forum for communication… isn’t any longer. I don’t have a solution.
Not so long ago I remember being stuck in Brookings on Highway 101, watching the overhead fan spin and spin and… now I’m here in Chicago, headed soon for Salt Lake City.
What the fsck does anything mean? Fscking hell.
There is no connection between me & anything else, no connection, no connection, no connection. I am a miasmatic, I am autausmatic, I am plebematic.