Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

saturday beneath the lights  §

When you’re younger, you’re more open… always trying to be understood, always feeling justified, a kind of righteous indignation combined with longing. But life has a way of closing you off as the years go by. You begin to realize that openness makes everything worse; people don’t care about you, the internal you, even now — and they’ll care about you less once they know how you feel… what you really look like. They may even get angry at you about it. They may even hate you for it.

So your feelings become more and more your own, less and less connected to anyone or anything, just as you yourself are less and less connected to anyone or anything, knowing that everything you think and everything you feel is inappropriate, selfish, immature, unhelpful, indulgent. You don’t have anything to say to the world; you are consumed by the things that you can’t express and there’s no room in your broken (10k image)heart or in your mind for anything other than you and the essence of you, which you know to be inappropriate, selfish, immature, unhelpful, and indulgent by the world’s estimation. It is the essence of you that only needs, to the point of offending everyone… that has learned that to express your need is to ensure that you get less of what you need, and that to continue to express it even then is to eventually get none of what you need.

At length, it is yours and yours alone… all of it. You as you, as you know yourself to be, cease to exist in their world — an impossibility that the rest of humanity is unwilling to try to reconcile, in the efficient nexus of society’s function. They can no longer offer you as you anything, and you as you are really worth nothing to them anyway.

That is when the lights flicker, like aging neon, like a broken tube.

Inside America’s Jenin
Iraq As Vietnam
Vietnam Vet Sees What Bush Doesn’t
American Propaganda Revisited

I remember
Watching them go round
round and round
Always where I wanted
gone are the days
I remember
running with the breeze
cool overcast
   and the green trees
   and my black heart
   and the road began here
   and I was forced to follow
I remember
Standing in the field
In the dark

“Nothing has changed… everyone just has long hair now.”
   — John Lennon

“We are all exceptional cases. We all want to appeal against something. Each of us insists on being innocent at all cost, even if he has to accuse the whole human race and heaven itself.”
   — Albert Camus