Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

not knowing what to think  §

I always get to this place where I just don’t feel like myself and I just don’t know up from down.

Everything is so surreal and transparent, and looking around I feel guilty and indignant and apathetic all in one.

Rules are not meant to be broken.

I am tired, but since 2000 it has increasingly dawned on me that the statement “you can never go home again” has its shortcomings and probably ought to be revised to “you will never be home again.”

The thing I miss most right now: Autumn on the U/U campus… Wearing a heavy jacket, walking those endless, frostbitten sidewalks and acres of urban outdoorscape, with red and brown leaves flying around me everywhere, holding a warm cup of coffee, heading to class.

Last night I realized the effect that missing one season cycle has had on me. It’s like time has stopped for the rest of the world, nothing aging in the midst of an endless summer. But it hasn’t stopped for me, and I’m afraid I’ll eventually die without having managed to do even one more thing, the physics of the environment having made it impossible for me to objectively move from the spot.

You’re right, I’m at the point in life where I just want something I’m familiar with to be right-side-up for two days in a row. I just want to know where my core is. I just want to know where my soul goes when my eyes close.