I always feel this incredible rushing swell of words, like a tidal wave about to breach a dam, and then when I get logged into this thing, I realize that there’s nothing to say. It wasn’t a rushing swell of words after all; it wasn’t even a rushing swell of feelings. It was just the pilings-on of life.
I used to have this misconception that as you got older, you got wiser, and things gradually made more sense. I respected older people because I thought they’d figured it out long ago, and had the patience to survive until that point. Now I realize that I’m going to have to transition to respecting older people not for what they know, but for maintaining a sense of humor and not killing themselves in the face of what they don’t know and still, after an entire lifetime, have no idea how to cope with.
Working a job is not enough. I know that I want to go to school in a year, but what do I want until then? I will not survive if all I do is work a job and sit on my ass. But there’s no cause just now that excites me; no hobby or technique that enthralls me; no form of entertainment that holds my attention. Everything in me says that what I need right now is to travel, but I am financially unable to do so in any substantive way whatsoever.
I have officially arrived at the “waiting game” of adulthood.
I can’t do what I really what to do now for financial reasons. I’ll just keep working for a little while longer and try to stash a few pennies away. Eventually I’ll be able to do what I want to do, if I just work hard enough and save enough. I’m just waiting patiently, biding my time until then…