Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh  §

Tonight she’s in SLC, going to all of my places, doing my favorite things, and I don’t get to show her around. Her first time really to be in SLC, my SLC, and I don’t get to be there, I don’t get to do it. The guy, the other guy, the guy she’s traveling with and sleeping in the same room as one-on-one just *that much* too intimately until some future date that I asked about but that remains undecided (but that is at least months and months away) gets to take her to all of my places, and then gets to share her breath and her warmth afterward. It’s not fucking fair. It’s not fucccckkkking fair.

How can I fucking cope?! Somebody fucking fix it?! Please!?

I dont know how many times I tried, in Portland, in Santa Barbara, anywhere, to get her to go and sit and have a drink and talk with me, like my favorite thing in the world, and it just never, never, not once, worked out. We couldn’t ever somehow manage to do it together. And now not only is she doing it, she’s in my place and she’s doing it with someone else and I don’t get to show her around, and she’s doing my thing that somehow she and I don’t do together, doing it with someone else, getting shown around by someone else, some other guy who shares a name with my least favorite person on Earth, and who gets her tonight, too, when it’s time for everyone to transition into dreams

and I just want to die. And I feel selfish, so incredibly selfish, but also so incredibly sad and deprived and distant and unhappy and left out.

I just want to die.

Life sucks, it sucks, it’s the worst thing that could possibly happen, the most painful thing that could possibly happen, the thing that imprisons you, the thing that eats you, the thing that makes it so you can’t win, the thing that makes you feel small, the thing that makes you want to run and run and run and run and jump and never be heard from again, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever,

again.

It’s emblematic of the whole thing and I just fucking hate it. I’m sorry, everyone. I’m sorry to everyone I’ve ever hurt. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Amen.

“When, When We Were Young
We Had No History
So Nothing To Lose
Meant We Could Choose
Choose What We Wanted Then
Without Any Fear
Or Thought Of Revenge
But Then You Grew Old
And I Lost My Ambition
So I Gained An Addiction
To Drink And Depression
(They Are Mine
My Only True Friends
And I’ll Keep Them With Me
Until The Very End)
I’d Choose Not To Remember
But I Miss Your Arrogance
And I Need Your Intelligence
And Your Hate For Authority
But Now You’re Gone
I Read It Today
They Found You In Spain
Face Down In The Street
With A Bottle In Your Hand
And A Wild Smile On Your Face
And A Knife In Your Back
You Died In A Foreign Land
And They Found My Letter
Rolled Up In Your Pocket
Where I Said I’d Kill Myself
If She Left Me Again
So Now She’s Gone
And You’re Both In My Mind
I’ve Got One Thing To Say
Before I Am Drunk Again:
God Damn The Sun
God Damn The Sun
God Damn Anyone
That Says A Kind Word
God Damn The Sun
God Damn The Sun
God Damn The Light It Shines
And This World It Shows
God Damn The Sun.”

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