Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

introspection  §

Part of the problem with my state of affairs just now is that there are far too many things going on in my life over which I have no control, and about which I hold nothing but uncertainty. This is leading to a pervasive anxiety response and futile attempts to either a) exercise some limited control (even when I know it’s silly to try) or b) avoid having to face anything at all (which basically means staying as drunk as possible as much as possible). My body and mental state are, however, breaking down rapidly as the result of these two types of responses.

I think a better avenue out of the maze of my present is to make a list of things that I do have total, radical control over (i.e. posessions, current job, car, physical location in space, etc.) and attempt to think strategically — what combinations of radical changes can I make in the things over which I do have total control, in order to have the best chance of affecting for the positive, or at least creating the most fertile bed for, the rest of my life, including those other things over which I have little or no control?

The thing that is most obvious is that changes are needed, sooner rather than later. Not any specific change or set of changes, mind you — instead, I suspect that simply being successful in exercising some type of control, some measure of autonomy, over anything and to any end at all, is enough to make things seem better and dig me out of the helplessness hole.

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