I’m trying very hard to be okay, but really I’m just very lonely, and some moments I think I’m losing touch with reality. It’s not enough just to have a friend or a significant other on the phone every now and then… to get through life, you really need deep, regular contact with people that you care about and trust, and that care about and trust you. They have to know something about what you do every day, about what your life is like, and they have to be interested in hearing you talk about it, and it has to happen often enough that you don’t feel isolated. And you have to be able to touch them on the shoulder, or shake their hand.
I haven’t seen a single living soul other than much older, married co-workers, at work, and of course myself in the mirror, in a very long time.
Easy to say that I should “go and make some friends,” but of course new friends are not what I need right now; old friends are what I need right now. And to make matters more complicated, there is the old problem: I grew up with four sisters and a stay-at-home mom. I’m not good at (or comfortable with) making friends with men. But to start pounding the pavement for female companionship while my girlfriend is away just because I’m lonely is somehow a little troubling and inappropriate.
I think too much.
And I’ve now been on hold for a very long time, which sucks. Nearly forty-five minutes now. The recording that tells me how much they value my call is beginning to drive me fscking nuts. The IRS is not a friendly bunch of people to deal with.