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Monthly Archives: July 2005

why?  §

Women, all women, go to extreme lengths to make sure that men are unhappy. Then our unhappiness in turn makes them unhappy. Why? Why do this, when for 1/1000th of the effort, we could all be happy?

What is it in this century that has launched such a gender war?

musings on western socialization  §

Respect requires the willingness to hurt someone when necessary in order to remain honest with them — to allow them to rely on their own abilities to cope and to trust them to do so, rather than to assume that they require protection and to, as a result, lie to them, tell them what they want to hear, avoid confrontation, or keep truth from them.

This is an ethical necessity that most women simply do not have the backbone or nature to carry out, and thus one of the main reasons why women are by and large incapable of having or showing basic respect.

It’s funny… when you’re a young guy you hear all of the old men talking about “women” and what they’re like and you dismiss them as backward reactionaries and assure yourself and your friends that you are of more modern, sophisticated, progressive ilk and “will never be like them” in their opinions of women.

But the older you get, and the more women you know, and the more you reflect on these experiences, the more you realize that the wisdom possessed by the community of men is not to be taken lightly and has, in fact, been assembled across generations. It’s not cynicism at all, it is, rather, resignation and a deep understanding offered at no cost to the (generally unreceptive) young.

I suppse it will always be that way, generation after generation. We all have to learn for ourselves before we really begin to buy into the community.

Lest ye think I am running women down, let me also state: women are every bit as intelligent as men. They can accomplish, in scientific or business or artistic deeds, every bit as much.

But the values that you, a young man, require in order to function: respect, honesty, loyalty, impenetrability, stoicism, power — these are male values. The point is to realize that you will never have them from women; women have their own values that we can’t begin to fathom. But make no mistake: women are the wrong place to look for respect, or honesty, or loyalty as men expect them. And part of having respect for women (again a male value about which they don’t care, but which you must feel in order to function as a young man) is to understand that they cannot, in turn, show respect for you, and not to blame them for failing to do so.

It is disrespectful to expect a woman to show respect, or any other male value.

To the young guys, about women: listen to your fathers and grandfathers. Don’t trust women. Women are not even capable of trusting themselves, or their fellow women, so it’s folly for you to trust them in a misguided attempt to show caring. Trust is a bond between men. At various times women will adamantly assure you that they, too, can trust and deserve trust, but don’t listen to them: they don’t understand what trust means to a man because they have no idea what it is to be a man, just as you and I have no idea what it means to be a woman.

No, simply protect women instead. Never get confused and let them protect you, because they will protect you right into the grave. It is your job as a man, instead, to protect them and direct them away from it.

That is the order of things, and those who don’t forcefully adhere to it are doomed to die early.

lessons from the west  §

I.
“Never get complacent:
If you are satisfied with what you have now, you’re a loser.”

II.
“Live in the moment:
If you aren’t satisfied with what you have now, you’ve lost.”

The paradox is resolved by subconditions and contexts, yes, essentially the former applying to things and the latter to people, but I don’t want to bother with it any more, take it from there yourself and you’ll see that it’s even more cynical an understanding once considered more deeply.

Indeed, both of these undeniably seminal guiding principles are self-centric, failing to even consider the possibility of sentience external to ego. If at all perhaps the second, implicitly — but also in the most selfish and petulant way possible.

I never meant to be thirty with one foot in the grave. I’m aware of it these days, yeah, but it’s the sort of thing you become aware of over the years, not the sort of thing you decided to become. And managing to forget is no aid, because there’s always something to remind you within a few short hours, or even minutes, of forgetting.

It’s really a kind of detachment from the material world, the lack of a relationship to concrete things and places and “realities” that I can’t seem to share (and am not sure I want to share) with everything else. I don’t think its the result of things that have happened to me over the years… I think its rather the result of things that I’ve seen happen to other people. Somehow when suffering is external to yourself, it’s much easier to internalize.

All of the people I’ve looked up to most are dead. Before that, they were old. And before that, they were old souls. I loved them for their vision and felt awed by their wisdom. I want to be what they were. Or rather, I want to be where they were in their lives.

I get frustrated at my lack of answers. I’m very far away, yet, from those places. But at least I’ve managed at this point to acquire and own some of the questions.

Don’t ever doubt that every step toward spirituality, toward intellectual integrity, or toward a deep emotional phenomenology does tend to isolate one in our culture. These are goals very explicitly antithetical to what the west values. “Transcendence” is at best eastern mysticism, and at worst sociopathy, plain and simple.

And despite the best efforts of the capital markets and their dominant ideology, I am at least halfway an eastern man raised by eastern exiles of the Second Great War.

sigh  §

Well, that explains it. She hints tonight that she doesn’t want to live together again. “Maybe we’re just not there yet…” was the phrase. That explains everything, all of the fighting, all of the discomfort, everything. It’s not that “we’re” not there yet. It’s that I’m at “utter couplehood” and she’s at “dating, being in love, being young.”

I continually feel like we’re splitting apart more than I want to. She continually feels put upon and boxed in. It casts into direct light every fight we’ve had since Chicago, the last time we weren’t living together.

It’s not a good sign. I’m not willing to take a step back. I’m not willing to sleep alone three or four nights a week once again or to be told that I can’t come over tonight because she’s busy. I don’t enter into relationships to “have fun.” I’m just not at that stage of life anymore; I can’t do it. I enter relationships because in each case I hope to find a mate. Period.

If we “backed off,” it’d be just as much fighting as we have now, because the situation would be the same: we want different things. Each of us is uncomfortable with the relationship that would make the other one happy. There would be no point.

I don’t know what to tell her or what to do next. I suppose I’ll just ignore it and call less. Because there is nothing else to do. I don’t apologize for what I want and need in my life right now any more than she should apologize for what she wants and needs.

I’ve been here too many times before, it gets boring and tiresome. I don’t know how many more times I can bear to hear from people that I’m a wondeful guy with wonderful skills and a great sense of humor and a sophisticated, subtle mind and maybe if I just wait two or six or ten (or however many a particular woman names) years, so that she can sow her oats a little more, she’d love to (or is even going to count on being able to) come back and be mine forever then…

The thing that they never want to hear (and that always seems to surprise them two or six or whatever years later) is that once they have violated that faith, I don’t want them anymore. That’s the point, the beauty of commitment, and what I must have for myself: someone who is willing to stick to me without having tried the rest.

Because you can’t rely on somone who shops around — even if they come back and declare you the best for a while, sometime, somewhere, someone’s gonna be cooler than you. And if someone won’t commit without knowing that I’m better than the competition, then I’m going to lose them to the competition sooner or later, possibly when I need them most, because usually those times that you’re needy are also the times that you’re the least impressive and the least attractive.

Will anyone ever decide to love me for me, permanently, whatever else may be out there, giving up the chance to know what else is out there? That’s what I’m waiting for, regardless of whether it exists or not.

last weekend  §

heretics  §

I am against women. I think they should be chained to trees and forced to raise children and provide sexual favors. Also, I think every man should get a Porsche and a very large gun.

things  §

1. Down with America!
2. Death to President Bush!
3. End the “freedom” of the tyrannical marketplace!
4. Death to the social conservatives!
5. Death to the social liberals!
6. ORDER AND BIOLOGICAL DETERMINISM! HEP HURRAH!

fukya  §

Best guitar solos of all time:

1. Jimi Hendrix / Hey Joe
2. Smashing Pumpkins / Soma
3. Smashing Pumpkins / Landslide
4. Sonic Youth / Chapel Hill
5. Soundgarden / Fourth of July
6. Black Crowes / Descending (okay, Piano solo, but it has to be listed)
7. Black Crowes / Thorn In My Pride
8. Ministry / Jesus Built My Hotrod
9. Kyuss / If Only Everything
10. AC/DC / Ride On

It’s my list, I’ll do what I want.

gonzo dreamy el el el  §

My god I miss Chicago. I loved everything about that fucking city. Before I went, my favorite place in the world had been San Francisco, and I still have a place in my heart for the city by the bay, but Chicago… I knew I was going to love the midwest before I ever got there, but I wasn’t prepared for the crazy mix of urban sophistication, traditional simplicity, and salt-of-the-earth realness that I encountered there.

I suspect that two decades from now when I’ve been a few more places and seen a few more things and wasted more time, like everybody, doing the other things that I didn’t mean to do, I’ll be thinking of maybe returning to Chicago for my old age every bit as much as I’ll think about returning to San Francisco or to a small trailer somewhere near the Antelope Island causeway…

I want to get old already so that I can play that game of chess and enjoy what I’ve done, instead of still having to put in the fucking godforsaken hours necessary to build, sustain, or at least avoid destroying it.

I’m ready to walk away from the table and cash in, but unfortunately, it’s gonna be a while.

counting  §

My girlfriend and I have been together for 20 months. Of that time, 10 months have been spent apart, in separate states, often with limited communication and having wildly different (and often intense) experiences.

By the time she returns, we’ll have been apart 11 out of 21 months, or more than half of our time as a couple. Only half or so of the together months were spent actually living together. In truth, we haven’t had all that much time with each other yet. It’s no wonder we’re awkward sometimes — we have nearly two years’ worth of expectations and feelings but considerably less than a years’ worth of togetherness or mutual experience.

Add to that all of the jealousy issues, distance issues, loneliness issues, etc. that come with separate, extended travel, and it begins to look rather like a victory for us that we are still together at all.

sinking  §

and all things will return in the rain from the pathways to the river
and all things will return in the river from the currents to the ocean
and all things will return in the ocean from the eddies to the earth
and all things of earth will return by the night of the very depths

to the darkness of time from whence they came

and in their decay, they will sing

they will sing

of death

at sea

at sea

and i am powerless to stop them

i am so impossibly lonely
so tired of early morning hours in silence and cold

i feel like i desperately need to find a girlfriend to sleep next to
to find someone to share life with
to share nights with
to be warm with

a girlfriend would make everything better
a mate

only i have a girlfriend already —
and i love her dearly…

while i’m alone

i don’t know if this is repairable

i need an early-morning porch-smoke

i need fewer feelings

i’m not happy
i’m just not happy

i’m tired of women
always and forever they make me want to die
but i need a woman
otherwise might as well die

once you run out of questions
you add it all up
and you realize you’ve been had

like elvis
like che
like charles manson
like jesus

third post of a late night  §

Finally a little wound down from the weekend.

I suspect that it’ll be impossible to ever reach full “wound down” status while living where I live and working where I work. In fact, I haven’t been “wound down” since the summer of 2001. I miss the sensation and need it badly, but there is nothing I can do.

I worked overtime the first three days of last week so that on Thursday I could go to Los Angeles (a.k.a. the faithful plastic imitation of hell) to visit J– on tour. Then somehow I decided to follow the tour to San Fran and help out at that show as well, after which (today) I visited family and then drove back to SB (arriving well after 2.00).

Considering all of this in totality, the function of the trip has been to make me think I’m a fucking idiot. Better late than never. I need to leave my job, leave this town, and leave expectations behind. I need to clear my mind and stumble onward awkwardly as I’ve done so often in the past.

I am desperate for that drug-like high. I’m hitting the job boards tomorrow night to see what I can find in NYC. I am going to start eBaying everything in sight.

Gotta hatch an escape plan.

Fuck all this shit. Fuck it all.

um,  §

so, I’m back to this again?

um,

no, no, no, no, no, no,

NO.

notes about life  §

1. bewilderment

2. what??!

veni vidi vici groß  §

i . will . be

you . watch . me

hitler . stalin . manchukuo

only . i . will . steal . your . status . quo

I am I am I am
ich bin
I said once and I say it again:
i
will
win