Things are getting into my head again. I have to fix this somehow, but I don’t know how. Sometimes I really hate how my life looks right now.
And also: “I’ll call you when I can?”
That’s not true. It’s not that I’m mad, it’s just that it’s 2.00 and I want to go home and I wasted my break for that two minute phone call when there’s no reason that it couldn’t have been a proper chat except that she just doesn’t feel the same and doesn’t really want one more than she wants other things, or chats with other people. I can hear her saying, “well then, don’t waste your breaks on me, just don’t answer.”
I don’t know, it’s just everything put together. I just hate being a low priority. I can’t match it in the other direction. I mean, it’d ruin my day to ignore the call, too.
I’m tired of this shit. And it’s not about “being okay in myself” because the whole thing is that I want to play a vital role in something that matters to me, like the live of a loved one. Right now a lot of people care about me, and a lot of processes need me, but I’m not indispensable, day-to-day, in anything or to anyone.
People would miss me if I disappeared, sure, but it wouldn’t actually change much of anything. I don’t just want to be missed and cared about. I want to matter.