Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

Monthly Archives: August 2005

the battle of new orleans  §

I am so conflicted about so many things right now… I feel like I have to find some kind of spiritual center, but I don’t know where or how.

All of this brings home, yet again, just how alone I am in the world.

I have to think.

I have to think a lot.

Hard.

fuck  §

So what was “probably about a month” in mid-late July and “definitely about a month” in early August actually becomes “about three months” that ends in October, and that only after I blew my top.

I still haven’t decided what I feel. Feelings are coming in waves. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m trapped here at work. I need to get out. I need something. I need something, but I don’t know what.

my god  §

I am just so… lost. Conflused. Bewildered.

Like the rug has been pulled out from under me.

I will be so happy to get the hell out of this place.

The fact that I quit is today the best thing in my life.

Now I just have to wait for it to take effect.

zorro zorro zorro zorro zorro zorro zorro  §

W h a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a t?

I CAN’T WAIT FOR FOOTBALL SEASON TO START. I CAN’T WAIT SO SEE HOW MY FUCKING **UTES** DO. THAT’S RIGHT, **UTES**, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE ENDORSEMENT OF THE **UTE** TRIBE TO USE THEIR NAME.

I will ride my bike east. I will ride my bike west. I will ride my bike north. I will ride my bike south. I will ride my bike ALL OVER THE GOD DAMN EARTH AND ALL OVER HADES. I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM.

do not try
do not die
do not place a pique etai

I am unwilling to negotiate. I am unwilling to talk.

I AM FUCKING UNWILLING TO FUCKING BE AWAKE. I WILL FUCKING GO TO SLEEP.

**N O W .**

bossanova  §

The #1 most important thing in the world is simple:

do what you say.

The #2 most important thing in the world is equally simple:

say what you do.

Yet almost everyone, from parents to bosses to friends to significant others to high school counselors gets it wrong, and are liars as a result.

a pipe for the brothers  §

God I hate women. They don’t know what they want. They just know that they want to be able to harass you forever without you being bothered by it. Selfish, selfish creatures, women.

the past = the future = stupidity = hexdump  §

I’m having this weird moment. The last few days, actually. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want anything. I don’t want anything at all. I am an empty vessel. I am a blank. I am not even here.

It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t anything. It’s just sheer boredom, from beginning to end. It’s whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, and that’s all.

I’m not calling anyone back. I’m not talking to anyone. I’m not anything. I’m not mad or annoyed or sad or anything. Blah. Just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah.

I think maybe I am going to get a motorhome and a dog when I leave Santa Barbara, and I will go north. Maybe even northwest, to Alaska. I will write a book or two there and apply for schools if I can scrape up the cash.

no subject, of course  §

Whatever. I don’t care.

bikocoaster  §

Time to see if I have lost my killer bike instinct and/or ability to ride with morning traffic. It’s been oh, what, five years? Amazing to think it’s been that long since I was a bike commuter. Insane. No wonder the bike I left in Portland was looking/feeling a little ragged — it had been ignored for a very long time.

Never again.

Everything I have done, I have done, and I take full responsibility for it.

And now, I will perform hat tricks.

damn  §

But it’s impossible not to make those comparisons, or not to realize things.

all of it  §

The key is just not to start thinking about it. Not to start making comparisons or trying to understand or make sense or take any of it personally. Because that just drives me to distraction and destruction and depression. Just don’t think about it.

I just wish I knew if that was a healthy strategy or not.

eat capital beat free  §

i . love . cycling

+ Commercials are getting ever more sombre and earnest. They have characters and stories and emotional music and births and deaths are starting to happen in them.

+ Actual programming is getting more and more product driven, so that in the middle of every plotline you can spot a dozen commercials.

+ Reality TV is still ruling the ratings roost, and births and deaths are among the highest ratings-grabbers, just look at the longest-running reality shows on TLC.

+ In the real world, medical costs are going up and so are delivery and funeral costs, and fewer and fewer people have insurance to cover either.

So, I propose that we just get to where we’re going already and launch Birth Death TV, a channel that shows births and deaths 24 hours a day, 7 days a week — with the medical costs and disposal costs paid for by the sponsorships of Coca-Cola, Pfizer, Ford, etc., whose products will be prominently featured in every birth or death (more money if the birthing mother or dying person offers an endorsement with his/her most laborious/last breath).

they say women, they…  §

i am so fucking sad… 🙁
so fucking sad…

marching on  §

It is done. Que sera sera.

i don’t know what to do  §

I feel like I am losing everything. 🙁

I don’t know what to do or say. It hurts like hell. It all just hurts. FUCK.

Everyone wants to know why I’m down. I’ll tell you why I’m down.

I hate my job and I live in an expensive city I don’t like. I can’t afford this astronomical rent that I never expected to have to pay myself indefinitely, and have a negative cash flow, getting closer and closer to bankruptcy because of the expense of living here alone. Already I am having difficulty making rent and keeping the bill collectors from putting a lein on my car. I could definitely use the rent help.

But my girlfriend is far away and keeps pushing off her return then saying she isn’t pushing it off until I actually ask her to confirm a day and she won’t, and as a result we fight more and more, likely (and understandably) making her less eager to return. I drink too much. I smoke to much. I have to drive everywhere so my level of physical fitness is in the toilet. All things considered I can’t stay here, because I’m slowly dying, both inside and out, and I don’t know if or when she’s coming back, so it makes no sense for me to take the personal risk of staying any longer, given what’s at stake for me. She’ll say “of course I am coming back, in about a month, I’ve said that already,” but she’s been saying that for quite a while now.

So I’ll quit my job today and be out of here by October. I’ll struggle to pay the last month on my lease, and leave. But where will I go? My girlfriend, in all likelihood, won’t be back here by then, but also won’t want to say that there’s anywhere in particular she can guarantee she’ll be for very long, which is probably just as well because the way things are going now there will be too many issues between us to deal with by then. And anyway, I can’t afford to follow her around anymore, sacrificing stability (necessary for income for most) and piling up expenses to do so while she gets paid to go all over the place, her bank account getting fatter and fatter while mine gets thinner and thinner. I’d kill to be able to do it, but this is reality. So I’ll go somewhere without her, which makes me sad as hell, but I have no alternative. 🙁 Probably back to Salt Lake City, which I hate, but where I can live indefinitely for free.

I’ll have no money, no job, mountains of debt (and even more collections agents hounding me than I have right now), no home, no health, no nearby friends, and no prospects. I’ll be missing my girlfriend so bad I’ll want to die and having to face the question of what it means that I’ve taken what may be an irreversible step in the relationship. I’ll have no resources to apply to grad school again nor to move anywhere if I were to get in. Not only will I have nothing to show for the last two years, I will have nothing in general, and no idea how to proceed going forward.

NOTHING.

It seems like my life is about to become a pressure cooker of debt, joblessness, loneliness, and readjustment. I have been trying desperately to stave it off, but that is only making everything worse. My life as it has been is effectively over, whether I want it to be or not. Money, the thing I hate most in the world, and my girlfriend, the person I love most in the world, are the uncontrollable circumstances that are dictating everything right now.

I have given it the college try, but I have failed. I don’t see any way out. 🙁

That, friends, is why I’m down.