I feel like I am losing everything. 🙁
I don’t know what to do or say. It hurts like hell. It all just hurts. FUCK.
Everyone wants to know why I’m down. I’ll tell you why I’m down.
I hate my job and I live in an expensive city I don’t like. I can’t afford this astronomical rent that I never expected to have to pay myself indefinitely, and have a negative cash flow, getting closer and closer to bankruptcy because of the expense of living here alone. Already I am having difficulty making rent and keeping the bill collectors from putting a lein on my car. I could definitely use the rent help.
But my girlfriend is far away and keeps pushing off her return then saying she isn’t pushing it off until I actually ask her to confirm a day and she won’t, and as a result we fight more and more, likely (and understandably) making her less eager to return. I drink too much. I smoke to much. I have to drive everywhere so my level of physical fitness is in the toilet. All things considered I can’t stay here, because I’m slowly dying, both inside and out, and I don’t know if or when she’s coming back, so it makes no sense for me to take the personal risk of staying any longer, given what’s at stake for me. She’ll say “of course I am coming back, in about a month, I’ve said that already,” but she’s been saying that for quite a while now.
So I’ll quit my job today and be out of here by October. I’ll struggle to pay the last month on my lease, and leave. But where will I go? My girlfriend, in all likelihood, won’t be back here by then, but also won’t want to say that there’s anywhere in particular she can guarantee she’ll be for very long, which is probably just as well because the way things are going now there will be too many issues between us to deal with by then. And anyway, I can’t afford to follow her around anymore, sacrificing stability (necessary for income for most) and piling up expenses to do so while she gets paid to go all over the place, her bank account getting fatter and fatter while mine gets thinner and thinner. I’d kill to be able to do it, but this is reality. So I’ll go somewhere without her, which makes me sad as hell, but I have no alternative. 🙁 Probably back to Salt Lake City, which I hate, but where I can live indefinitely for free.
I’ll have no money, no job, mountains of debt (and even more collections agents hounding me than I have right now), no home, no health, no nearby friends, and no prospects. I’ll be missing my girlfriend so bad I’ll want to die and having to face the question of what it means that I’ve taken what may be an irreversible step in the relationship. I’ll have no resources to apply to grad school again nor to move anywhere if I were to get in. Not only will I have nothing to show for the last two years, I will have nothing in general, and no idea how to proceed going forward.
It seems like my life is about to become a pressure cooker of debt, joblessness, loneliness, and readjustment. I have been trying desperately to stave it off, but that is only making everything worse. My life as it has been is effectively over, whether I want it to be or not. Money, the thing I hate most in the world, and my girlfriend, the person I love most in the world, are the uncontrollable circumstances that are dictating everything right now.
I have given it the college try, but I have failed. I don’t see any way out. 🙁
That, friends, is why I’m down.