Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

oops  §

I do all of this great stuff, yeah, but it’s not fulfilling because it’s not really adding to anything. It’s just “stuff I did” and maybe it’s cool stuff, but it’s stuff nonetheless.

Thirty years on and I don’t have much of an identity. I have a personality and a few exploits, but it’s nothing I can hang my hat on. My pictures are all just photos of me or photos of other people or photos of me with other people. They’re not photos of “Aron Hsiao’s XYZ” that detail my life and who I am. I can’t really claim to be anything, I’m a mile wide and a millimeter deep.

I don’t really have family, most of the people that I call “family” are actually my parents’ family. I don’t really have a career, my work history isn’t filled with people that recommend me or achievements I can list. I don’t really have any hobbies or any identifying features.

I haven’t managed to build much for myself. I look at some of the other people that I went to school with who now have a personal life complete with wife and kids and a career in the state department or at CNN or are teaching now and about to achieve tenure, and I wonder: what did I get by avoiding all of this that was actually worth it?

Or was I just too busy intently being a bastard to notice that half of what my elders warned me about was probably true?

leapdragon says:

The trick is to realize that what you want(ed) and what other people want(ed) will never stay the same for very long — they’re always in flux, wild flux. Basically, making decisions based on what you "want" is the most stupid thing you can possibly do. You spend years chasing your tail trying to grab what you want while it changes every five minutes, along with everything everyone else in the room wants, all the while ignoring what you need (people you can rely on, a job, and a roof over your head).

Then suddenly you find yourself in a place in life where you’re getting older and it’s tought to want anything because you’ve got so little of what you need in order to function.

You take all that stuff for granted for so long… When you’re younger, a roof over your head and food to eat and people who will step up for you all seem like automatic things that come with life. Yeah, you "know" on the intellectual level that someday you’re going to have to provide those things for yourself, but when you actually reach the point that your parents, your school, and society at large aren’t providing them for you (because now, they figure, you’re old enough that you ought to provide them for yourself), it really hits you in the gut and leaves you bewildered, cold, and lonely.

harmir says:

You got what you wanted right?

At least.. what you THOUGHT you wanted.