Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

i don’t know what to do  §

I feel like I am losing everything. 🙁

I don’t know what to do or say. It hurts like hell. It all just hurts. FUCK.

Everyone wants to know why I’m down. I’ll tell you why I’m down.

I hate my job and I live in an expensive city I don’t like. I can’t afford this astronomical rent that I never expected to have to pay myself indefinitely, and have a negative cash flow, getting closer and closer to bankruptcy because of the expense of living here alone. Already I am having difficulty making rent and keeping the bill collectors from putting a lein on my car. I could definitely use the rent help.

But my girlfriend is far away and keeps pushing off her return then saying she isn’t pushing it off until I actually ask her to confirm a day and she won’t, and as a result we fight more and more, likely (and understandably) making her less eager to return. I drink too much. I smoke to much. I have to drive everywhere so my level of physical fitness is in the toilet. All things considered I can’t stay here, because I’m slowly dying, both inside and out, and I don’t know if or when she’s coming back, so it makes no sense for me to take the personal risk of staying any longer, given what’s at stake for me. She’ll say “of course I am coming back, in about a month, I’ve said that already,” but she’s been saying that for quite a while now.

So I’ll quit my job today and be out of here by October. I’ll struggle to pay the last month on my lease, and leave. But where will I go? My girlfriend, in all likelihood, won’t be back here by then, but also won’t want to say that there’s anywhere in particular she can guarantee she’ll be for very long, which is probably just as well because the way things are going now there will be too many issues between us to deal with by then. And anyway, I can’t afford to follow her around anymore, sacrificing stability (necessary for income for most) and piling up expenses to do so while she gets paid to go all over the place, her bank account getting fatter and fatter while mine gets thinner and thinner. I’d kill to be able to do it, but this is reality. So I’ll go somewhere without her, which makes me sad as hell, but I have no alternative. 🙁 Probably back to Salt Lake City, which I hate, but where I can live indefinitely for free.

I’ll have no money, no job, mountains of debt (and even more collections agents hounding me than I have right now), no home, no health, no nearby friends, and no prospects. I’ll be missing my girlfriend so bad I’ll want to die and having to face the question of what it means that I’ve taken what may be an irreversible step in the relationship. I’ll have no resources to apply to grad school again nor to move anywhere if I were to get in. Not only will I have nothing to show for the last two years, I will have nothing in general, and no idea how to proceed going forward.

NOTHING.

It seems like my life is about to become a pressure cooker of debt, joblessness, loneliness, and readjustment. I have been trying desperately to stave it off, but that is only making everything worse. My life as it has been is effectively over, whether I want it to be or not. Money, the thing I hate most in the world, and my girlfriend, the person I love most in the world, are the uncontrollable circumstances that are dictating everything right now.

I have given it the college try, but I have failed. I don’t see any way out. 🙁

That, friends, is why I’m down.

leapdragon says:

Yes, it matters. Thanks.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate that my friends really care or that my girlfriend loves me. I wish it would solve everything, but kind words from people you care about only last about thirty seconds when you’ve got more than $60k of debt, you’re months behind on all your bills, you pay $1k for a studio, you’re having trouble making rent as well, and it’s not getting any better because your monthly bills are greater than your income.

The obvious thing to do is to move somewhere where I can live for free (i.e. parents), but in doing so I have to give up my job, my independence, and probably my girlfriend, too, and for what? To live in another place I hate and have no income and still be getting farther behind?

Yes, I suppose I could get a roommate, but then I’d be in a situation where I was only slightly ahead each month, and then I’d be faced with years of working a job I hate in a town I hate and just barely making minimum payments. I don’t know what it would mean for my relationship that I got a roommate before she came back, for a hundred complicated reasons that I won’t bother with. And things would be even worse if she just didn’t come back (which, though it will upset her that I say this 🙁 continues to seem like a de facto possibility). And so I have to face the fact that that avenue would perhaps be worst of all for me in terms of my ability to survive it without drinking myself (or just taking a shortcut and shooting myself) into the grave.

That’s really the thing. I can make it mechanically work in one or two ways, either by staying here and moving in with a roommate or by moving in with her mom or by declaring bankruptcy and then getting a job in SLC and living rent free, or whatever. And I realize that life is not a game of "you get what you want."

But that doesn’t change the fact that every option I see in my life right now makes me want to sit down and cry like an old man, and in the meantime, if I do anything other than just stay here and wait, it somehow seems like I’m breaking up with/leaving my girlfriend, which is not what I want to do at all. I just want (and wanted) to go somewhere with her and have a life, that’s all.

Really, that’s the most important thing in my life right now, emotionally, but this is reality and circumstances are putting more and more pressure on me, which is putting more and more pressure on her, and that creates all kinds of problems between us and then the more problems there are between us, the more risky and silly it seems to hang on for dear life by my fingernails here waiting for her to come back, especially when it’s obvious that she feels unduly pressured to return before she wants to…

I don’t know, the whole thing makes me sick. I woke up this morning and vomited like four times because I was just so fucking sick over everything and had dreamed all night about all of this.

I know that things will eventually be okay again, girlfriend or no. I’d just been hoping that she and I could make the timing work, and getting to “okay again” would be a simpler, quicker process than the “getting to okay” that’s gonna take years if I end up at my parents’ house at 30 with no significant other taking phone calls from creditors.

Really everybody keeps telling me that all of it isn’t that bad, but that’s only because they’re not in the middle of it. If they could just think back to the last time they felt like a long-term relationship that meant everything to them was in danger, and combine that with the last time that they were being hounded by creditors, and combine that with the last time they were stuck somewhere that made them really uncomfortable and couldn’t wait to leave, and combine that with the last time they thought their life was going nowhere and they were getting old, that’s where I am now, all of those put together and getting more acute daily, and that’s where I’ve been for pretty much the whole summer, but hardcore the last two months or so.

And to top it off, I feel really guilty for posting or talking about any of this because I know she’d really strongly rather I didn’t, but I have to talk about it somewhere, somehow.

All I can do about that one is say that I love her dearly and send out an **xoxo** to her and hope that makes it a little more okay.

Aqueous says:

I would say it’s not that bad but what do I know? I wish I hadn’t been half way down the stairs when you called. But, if it counts, I thought it would be you and turned back just so I could talk to you for a moment to tell you I was on my way out.

But, does that even matter?