Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

Monthly Archives: September 2005

axioms  §

In order to be understanding, you must be given enough information to understand.

Today has been a day.
They have all become the same day.
Does this mean I’m dead?

blah blah blah, blah blah  §

It’s all nonsense. It’s all just fucking nonsense.

complexities and confusion  §

This is why the world is in the state it’s in, and why we had no leadership during the Katrina aftermath.

It’s 4.30 in the morning and I am suddenly uncomfortably awake.

I don’t know. I don’t have the courage for any of this. Or rather, I’d prefer not to have the courage for any of this. Courage and integrity are just euphemisms for the choice to “experience suffering” rather than to “cause suffering.”

The world is too large for me. It makes me want to destroy myself. I don’t have the tools to cope with any of this, really. The last two years have further radicalized my ethical compass, along a different axis — a more anti-western, and some (though not others) would say anti-progressive axis.

I’m no longer “ultra-liberal” any more than I am in any way a conservative; indeed, I have travelled vertically in a political-ideological space that most in this country see as a horizontal spectrum alone.

What I am is anti-individual-freedom, anti-western, anti-marketplace, whether of ideas or of behavior or of cash. I have become more an authoritarian in my thinking. I believe that women and men alike should be told what to do, individually, from the day they are born, at gunpoint. They should be assigned identities, careers, and families, their lives and the economies in which they work planned from above by a tyranny of the proletariat become conscious, the sole holder of autonomy. They should be sent to the gulags if they are “clever” enough to think that they should have any input at all into anything, if they think that they should be allowed to cause such unrest when their own lives are so intertwined with the same environment, the same exchange space, and the same sets of resources that all must share.

I support the universal domination of circumstance, implemented to mitigate the more extreme, arbitrary, and unjust domination and destruction caused by individual “free” will that can exist only in the singularly correlative presence of its counterpart, individual subjugation.

The only way to end a greedy, quasi-darwinistic world of social selection is to ensure that “survival of the fittest” is replaced by “survival only at the pleasure of the transcendent collective will.”

Why can you not have your freedom? Because its very existence impinges upon mine and everyone elses. Therefore, all freedom must be taken from us, collectivized en masse, then meted out in precisely equal portions to all. It is the only equitable solution, the only equitable way to distribute suffering. And that, after all, is the real calculation in existence, as the Buddhists have always known. **Society does not exist to engage in the happy task of adjudicating the distribution of a limited number of goods. It was created, rather, to carry out the unhappy task of attempting to judiciously, fairly, and humanely distribute an irreducible number of ills.**

dammit  §

This will not do. I have nothing lined up. I take these days off now and then, and I have weekends, and I am supposed to be spending that time putting in 12 hours a day on myself and my future, rather than giving it, as I do the rest of the time, to the man… but instead I feel so completely beaten down that when such day(s) come up, instead of looking for work, putting together book or dissertation proposals, etc., I end up just sitting on the beach pouring sand on my feet for hours at a time, trying to let the ya-ya’s out.

I have to get things in the pipeline or I am doomed. Tonight. Tonight I have to make myself work after I leave work. I have to stay awake and put together some book proposals and send them out, and send out some resumés, and make some contacts.

Otherwise I am doomed. I can’t afford to walk out of here on October 7 and have absolutely nothing going on.

Capitalism SUCKS.

never trust a junkie  §

More dreams. Not horrible dreams, necessarily, just strange, very strange, and still troubling, if nothing else, troubling for what they say about my life right now.

Thank god I quit the job. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me all summer.

My body continues to decay. I feel like hell. I get off work and I feel completely, totally ill, ready to collapse, entirely used up. It’s as though I don’t know whether to faint or vomit. I go to bed earlier and earlier, and when I wake up I feel less and less well, less and less prepared to face the day. It’s as though I’ve got a terminal disease and am dying. So far as I know, however, the only terminal diseases I have are work and utter, utter aloneness.

Sometimes I call people, but often I lack the energy and by the time I arrive home just want to go to bed. I don’t seem to get anything at all done in preparation for school applications. I certainly have no basal level of physical fitness. My nutritional needs are being met in a spotty fashion at best.

I should have quit sooner. As it is, I quit just in the nick of time. I don’t doubt that if I lived like this much longer, my life actually would have been in danger. Even now it’s going to take me months afterward to recover, even just physically.

I feel a complete, despondent desperation in every sense, in every facet of being. I am desperate for a gun but would be torn about where to point it.

It’s time for work again.

When you took your vices & went
I stood in the middle
of yesterday’s fall and frozen aspect
and the muted sun dried my leftover drunkenness;
officially I was beaten down and desperate.

The spinning heavens became my mentor
and under them I hated you while I coughed
and waited, smaller and smaller & hunched.
The maelstrom towered over me —
the blinding light and scouring air,
pathologic God the Father in the filthiest of brothels,
violently grabbing and laughing,
intoxication drowning the better part of his impish valour.

deciding  §

that life cannot possibly be short enough

i feel as though this year has absolutely sucked the life out of me

my life  §

6.00 wake up, shower, etc.
6.30 leave for work
7.00 work (**stress, meetings, more meetings, speeches, presentations, deadlines, loneliness**)

7.00 leave work
7.30 come home to empty house, exhausted; eat, worry about bills, moving, and school
8.00 fail to actually do anything or go out — too exhausted; turn on tube and browse ‘net
9.00 talk to girlfriend for five awkward minutes
9.05 have a couple of beers and a couple of butts to put it all away
9.30 go to bed

lather, rinse, repeat (while getting ever-deeper into debt and ever-closer to personal deadlines)

retro  §

I feel like I’m in high school again. You remember, the sense of impending dread and dissatisfaction, the hate for authority, the tense mornings and seemingly endless days, the lack of autonomy and sense of domination, the wish that it was all over, all different, that somehow you could be a bigger person in a bigger world, the unending desire to walk around with a cigarette in your mouth and say “this sucks,” cutting class when you can…

moac  §

“Isn’t it disgraceful, isn’t it humiliating!” you might say, shaking your head in contempt. “You long for life, but you try to solve life’s problems by means of a logical tangle. How importunate, how insolent your outbursts, and how frightened you are at the same time! You talk rubbish, but you’re constantly afraid of them and make apologies. You maintain that you fear nothing, but at the same time you try to ingratiate yourself with us. You assure us that you’re gnashing your teeth, yet at the same time you try to be witty and amuse us. You know that your witticisms are not very clever, but apparently you’re pleased by their literary merit. Perhaps you really have suffered, but you don’t even respect your own suffering. There’s some truth in you, too, but no chastity; out of the pettiest vanity you bring your truth out into the open, into the marketplace, and you shame it… You really want to say something, but you conceal your final word out of fear because you lack the resolve to utter it; you have only cowardly impudence. You boast about your consciousness, but you merely vacillate, because even though your mind is working, your heart has been blackened by depravity, and without a pure heart, there can be no full, genuine consciousness. And how importunate you are; how you force yourself upon others; you behave in such an affected manner. Lies, lies, lies!”

Love ends when one withdraws the implicit permission for the other to tyrannize over the self.

zabbatical is zerious for zose zat cehde  §

my life is a nighmare

heh… i am the red headed stepchild of nightmares

red.

ego and self-esteem have a lot to answer for

men have a lot to answer for
women have a lot to answer for
the gender wars are upon us

whatever  §

what . ever

shot down yet again
shot down like a man
shot down shot down
need a new plan

once again  §

I sit here in the morning feeling about as alone as a person can be in the world.

Ugh. I just feel dark, dark, dark, and beaten.

ugh, miserable  §

Dear god, how many horrible, hurtful dreams can a person have in one night? I woke up over and over again in a cold sweat, wanting to make a phone call, only to put myself back to sleep and have yet another one about exactly the same thing, each in a slightly different way. I am more exhausted now than I was before I went to sleep early last night.

I never want to sleep again. I feel completely beaten up and shattered and betrayed and generally as unhappy as hell. It’s like some kind of dream war has begun. Worst night of my life. 🙁

Somebody save me?

I think I am finally going completely, full-on crazy…

dreams  §

Too many bad dreams. Too many dreams that could too easily be real. 🙁

I’ve got to get my life straightened out, I can’t keep on like this.

mazzy star  §

“I’ve been let down
And I still comin’ round
I’ve been put down
And I’m still comin’ round for you
Comin’ round for you

Take away everything that feels fine
Catch a shape in the circles of my mind
Make me feel like I belong to you
Make me feel even if it ain’t true

Catch a train on a silver afternoon
A thousand miles and I’m getting there too soon
Take me there when I should be going home
Tell me why I’m still feelin’ all alone

I’ve been let down
And I’m still coming round
I’ve been put down
And I’m still comin’ round for you
Comin’ round for you”