I’m almost 30.
I’m laying alone with a shot back in the middle of Southern California in the middle of the night. Inventory: no job, no money, no place to go, no company, no nothing. I’ve got these degrees on the wall, but they’re not making me happy.
What would make me happy? What picture do I have in my head?
My sister read my work and said it was like rain in the city, a kind of dark urban gothic. Makes sense to me, autumn (real autumn, with leaves and rain and snow and darkness, not this cali shit) in the city is when I come into my own, when I am most powerful, most warm, most positive as a force in others’ lives. I’m a damp November force if ever there was one.
I’m too alone. I’m too out of place. Things aren’t together enough. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. What am I alive for? What is the reason? Why do I wake up in the morning?
What do I see myself doing in ten years? Not in the “big picture” sense, not “I see myself as an living in with .” I mean, what do I see myself doing in the 16 hours of awake time that pollute my every day?
What will I be doing with my time?
Will it be better than what I am doing now?
How can I make sure that it will be?