Nothing makes any sense. Or everything makes no sense. Or whatever.
Just how big is the difference between splendid and troubled? And when will it snow? And what will I do next? What will my life look like? What do I want it to look like? Does it matter, or is it all beyond my control anyway?
Everything I’ve tried for, in the long term, has happened — except in my personal life (which is, ironically, where I have ultimately tried hardest). In any case, what happens when I don’t know what to reach out for next? How is it that so many people have come into — and gone again from — my life over the years? It’ll always seem weird to me, like births and deaths are always going on around me, filling my memory with bodies. I’ve tried to find some people from the past, but they are, for all intents and purposes, gone.
And today, when everything is swirling around me like a beautiful (or terrible?) storm, which God should I throw my lot in with, assuming I only have one oath of loyalty to conjure with and none of them are particularly reassuring or doting? Each could just as easily eat as elevate me.
Will I go to Fairbanks? Will I return to southern California? Chicago? New York? Again, does it matter? None of these sound right. I don’t know what sounds right. I have no means anyway. I only have people that I want to be with. But somehow I often worry that that isn’t enough — everyone seems to suggest that such things can’t be sustained without concrete, non-interpersonal desires… Or even that concrete, non-interpersonal desires are the only real things to begin with.
Isn’t that just a cloud’s whisper in an alienated world? But then, if I have to live in an alienated world anyway…
I don’t know. I’ve applied to several programs already. Some of the applications have gone according to plan, some haven’t. I have work about to find me, I think. There are many things to do just now and I feel burdened by them. I also feel burdened by everything else — bills, travel, holidays, even something as simple as personal organization.
I suppose I am feeling one again the absence of any God. But there is no cure for such things. No cure, now or ever.