Got paid today, twice. As usual, though, it’s all gone before the deposit has even cleared. Trying to sort out all of the details for New York (especially the financial details) is not easy, nor is reconciling all of the different truths, potential truths, and possibilities in my life with the overriding realities.
I’ve realized that one of my many “blog sins” is talking about my life in ways so general that even my closest friends probably don’t always know what I’m talking about. In a way, I think it’s helpful to me. This is my diary before anything else, and if it weren’t public I would be tempted in every entry to descend into a wonderland of detail from which no reader (including myself) would ever return.
Because the diary is public, however, limited in space on the one hand and not limited in exposure on the other, I have to be more circumspect, and am thus able to tease out broader themes and thoughts that I might not otherwise notice in my life.
Right now I think I’m sort of stunned. In January, February, and even March, I was on a roller coaster of up-and-down (more down than up as time progressed), but now all things have inverted in an instant. Everything I’d given up on is coming back, and everything that I’d relied on to get me through the tough times is gone.
And so I’m just sitting here looking out the window at green plants in grey light and thinking they’re really quite pretty. Not much else is going on inside me.
I suppose there are one or two hazy dreams and one or two still images, captured moments, that keep circling around and around, the way snow does when it’s windy out. There are one or two names, too. But otherwise, nothing.