I’ve spent the last week doing design and coding work in one form or another. Apparently I am a web professional now. But income is coming in and time is moving, taking me farther and farther away from things that I’m not at all sure I want to leave behind.
I’m too old for this stuff. Too old for all of it. I just want a simple life. I’m not an enterpreneur, nor am I an activist at heart. I just don’t have it in me, I’m more cynical than that, more nihilistic than that, more hopeful than that. I want to tend my own garden, enjoy the flowers and the birds. In a way, I suppose I want to live like a monk. But I have to get a garden first.
It’s looking like it’ll be ten years before that happens.
They say to live deliberately, to stop and smell the roses, to take care to ensure that you don’t spend your life doing things you don’t want to do. But they don’t tell you how to make that happen. I suspect they don’t know — they just repeat the truism because they themselves have failed and want to save you the trouble, understanding secretly that there may be no good way to do so.
And in the meantime, I have books to keep me company at night. A social life? I’ve had them. I can’t be bothered. I just don’t enjoy myself. Better to spend the time enjoying what my senses — and the world — have to offer.