Sometimes in life you feel really, really, really alone. I thought it was a tough year already, but this just sucks. I’ve been trying to be with her all along, and I’ve wanted to be with her all along, but somehow I can’t find my way.
My life sucks. It’s falling apart. Everything I’ve worked on all these years is evaporating in 2006. Truly a year that will go down in infamy.
We’re not together. She thinks it’s my doing, that I don’t want to be with her. I do. I want her to move to NYC with me so that we can live happily ever after. I thought she wanted that, too. But I seem to have crossed my signals up somewhere.
She was miserable here. I was miserable last time I was in Santa Barbara. More to the point, if I were to go there now, it would just be this giant thing. The whole time she’d be telling me how much I hate it there and how much I blame her for my having to be there and we’d fight and it would make the whole thing worse and at the same time I’d have to be organized enough to move in another month across the country and try to convince her to come with me. It’s all just nuts.
I don’t see why people who love each other can’t just love each other and be together and stay together instead of all this other stuff. I don’t understand women at all. I don’t understand why they love me and run away from me at the same time.
I really want to be with her and she says she really wants to be with me, but every time we get to the same place, it doesn’t last. I finally put a stake in the ground and try say “I’m not leaving here until I’m leaving for the place, so that we’re not always moving around each other,” but it looks like that may well break us up, too.
What the hell is wrong with my generation that people just can’t let themselves be together?
My life is littered with women that want to love me from a distance and say that I’m the one that got away. I can’t handle too much more of that. I’d rather have my guts absolutely hated by everyone.