I have managed to maneuver myself into a position in which all of the positive forces in my life—people, places, things, opportunities—have become sources of extreme stress due to their all being in contradiction to one another. Not merely competition (which one can prioritize oneself through) but contradiction, willfully opposed to one another.
What’s the point of having good things in your life if they’re just going to create a sense of loss? What’s the point in friends, opportunities, careers, family, if you have to spend all of your time trying not to lose any of them, knowing that actually you will lose all of them in the end, especially if you feel as though you can’t bear to lose even one of them?
I can’t help but feel as though I’m careening toward disaster. As though there’s a kind of reckoning, or judgment day, that’s been coming in my life since the day that I dropped out of high school in the 10th grade that I keep managing to put off, but which is always just around the corner as I juggle everything precariously knowing that it’s all one slip away from destroying everything I’ve tried to build in my life.
It’s not even a matter of juggling. It’s a matter of sheer will thus far… but the strength of the conflict is reaching an apex at which will cannot be enough. Perhaps a year from now I will have no friends, no girlfriend, no school, no job, no home. Perhaps I will be suicidal then. Perhaps I will just live in a slum somewhere very far away. Perhaps I will be a nonbelieving priest.
Perhaps I will just run and run and scream forever.
I don’t know whether I should call this one.
I don’t know whether I should tell that one “no.”
I don’t know whether I should postpone the other one.
I don’t know whether I should quit the other two.
I don’t know whether I should pay this one, or pay that one.
I don’t know whether I should move her for this reason, or there for that.
I don’t know anything. I am going crazy.
All of them must be done. All of them must not be done.
They are all filling my head with sirens and crowd noises and screams of death.
Even this blog, which is my only outlet in the world, is one of these contradictory elements. It, like so many other things in my life, is in conflict not just with one or two things, but with almost everything else.