Everything in my life seems to be caught between opposite poles, held paralyzed or imperceptibly oscillating between two alternatives, two opposites, two eventualities, neither of which I ever seem to favor (or dislike) more than the other.
Across how many facets of my life am I now thus torn? Two? Three? Important things, too. Places, jobs, people, everything. Nothing seems certain, and there is no hint of desire, preference, bases for prudence… I just don’t know what to do.
I feel like a broke-yet-popular schoolgirl on a Saturday afternoon: “I don’t know what I want! Waaaaa!”
Am I ready to go east? I don’t know. Will I go east? I don’t know about that either. Silly, almost, since the time to leave (if I do indeed go) is within twenty days. I’m excited, yes. Sort of. Not as much as I should be. I’m sad, too, yes. Sort of. Not as sad as I’d need to be to change my plans.
Where do I fit in things? I know, I know, you’re supposed to “make your place” in the world, to “reach out and take what you want,” but I’m so fucking tired of that sort of thing. I just want to be. I want to forage and watch the wild animals graze and sleep under the stars. Maybe that’s a lie, I don’t know.
I have a feeling that whatever happens over the end of 2006 and the entirety of 2007, I’ll always be wondering about the “road not taken.” I’ve never really been in that position before. I thought I had, sure… but now that I actually am in that position—with regard to things that feel as though they’ll affect me forever, as though they are my entire life—I realize that all those other times I was just näive.
Indecision and ambiguity suck. On each front, I’m going to choose one thing and do it, yes. That much is clear. But knowing that whatever I do on each front I’m always going to have serious doubts and longings… sucks. Sucks.
I wrote a feature article with the full intent of shopping it to national progressive magazines. Then once I had it done, I didn’t have the courage to send it. Not because I don’t believe in what I say, but becuase I don’t have it in me anymore to be that confrontational.
I’ve reached the stage of my life in which I’d rather just walk away in silence than say what I think and then have to argue my position with some dimwit or asshole. I’d just as soon withdraw and go off somewhere on my own.
Officially a hermit, I guess.