Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

new york  §

We Americans, we are alone. True. Not only that, but we hate each other. Or more to the point, we betray and judge each other. I don’t know why. It’s the unanswerable question. Here I sit, typing on a PC. It’s one of my best friends, and it’s nothing but an empty blue box in which I talk to myself.

Sometimes I feel like I’ll be twelve years old forever. No matter how far I go, no matter how much I learn, no matter how many books I write, everything is still bewildering and ecstatic, trapped somewhere between wonderful and terrible, always.

Years ago, before I was done with my undergrad, when I was still just a young twenty-something kid, I set up a video camera on a tripod, took the screen out of my window, and filmed a full hour of snow falling in lovely, gentle flakes. I’ve never watched the tape, but I know that it will have recorded only silence, because I remember as I sat there watching the snow fall: there was no noise. Not anywhere. Not a sound in the universe. Just snow falling.

There are ways to live and ways not to live. I sometimes think I tyrannize myself for no reason. But of course there is always a reason, even if you can’t elaborate it. And let’s be honest: usually you can elaborate it, in a dozen and a half ways.

Is it possible to miss someone you’ve never even seen or met?

When you demand your freedom, do you ever get it? It seems as though the law of unintended consequences always takes care to ensure that you won’t arrive quite where you expected.

And how do you know when you’ve found what you want? How do you know what you want in the first place?

Hello, everyone. My name is Aron and I’m almost 31. I have a life that doesn’t look like any kind of life I expected when I was a small boy. I’m not satisfied with my life but so far as I can see there’s nothing I can do to make it better, only things I can do to make it worse. If I could spend the rest of my life taking pictures of snow falling, I would. If I could just be myself in this world, I would.

Maybe I still will. But first I have to learn how to be brave, how to be honest, and how to be happy, in that order, probably destroying everying around me in the process without meaning to.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.”