Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

Saturday morning  §

Today:

1. Prepare for a bit of a presentation on Monday
2. Edit some documents for work
3. Write some articles for other-work
4. Try to be okay with my personal life, which is a mess
5. Try to be okay with my financial life, which is a mess
6. Have some coffee at some point

Self-fulfilling prophecy is one of the saddest things people do to themselves.

I don’t understand myself and my personal life. I’m often lonely, but when around people (even people I care about), I’m often incredibly tense and just want to be alone again. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s at a level far below that. It’s like I’m only comfortable alone, even if I’m unhappy. When I’m not alone I might at times be tremendously happy, but never comfortable.

If I could fine some way to reconcile these differences, life would rule.

I am so far behind in everything… sleep, reading, school, work, art, writing, life, relationships, blah, blah. I’m just months and months behind the curve, if not more. At this point I will never catch up. For years it was my personal project to ensure that I never had so many responsibilities or plans that I would actually be exposed to this kind of problem, but apparently those days are over and I have “grown up” into the western adult rat race and exhaustion theatre.

Blah, blah, blah, I hate this entry. I needed to make it, though, I’m feeling a bit isolated. Not because people aren’t talking to me or taking an interest (they are) but because, as happens to everyone now and then, I feel as though there aren’t very many people who understand me in any kind of deep way right now—and no, for anyone who was tempted to think it, it’s not because I’m not socializing or sharing right now. I am. A lot, in fact. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel isolated.