I am used to feeling very much in control of my own life. Right now it feels as if I have absolutely no control over it. I don’t know what’s happening until it happens and there is a distinct difficulty at times in understanding why it is happening.
People tell me that everything is wonderful and everything really is, but my exhaustion is mounting and it seems sometimes as though my options are simply to let go and live life purely as it comes (something that runs counter to my own personal philosophy) or to risk everything just to try to regain some minimal ownership of the time and space that surround me. People keep telling me that not letting go is evidence of lack of trust or faith, or that it represents some variety of self-centeredness.
I don’t know who I am right now, I sometimes think. There exists at the moment, in addition to all the lovely things, an undercurrent of nervousness and in-the-darkness.