I said I would be in bed in 20 minutes. That was two hours ago. 😛
Life right now is so amazingly busy I don’t have time to catch my breath. I have four jobs. One writing, one private sector research, two academic. I am also still (somewhere scattered betwixt and between it all) a full-on graduate student in a fairly tough and theoretically-oriented Ph.D. program.
Life has never been better.
It is a beautiful thing to be loved for who you are, without having to argue for your position or justify yourself all the time. I feel as though I never really had that before.
Everything for so many years was about diplomacy, as though life was the freaking United Nations and I was a member state in a well-pressed suit. Always life was about compromise and dialogue and discussion and congeniality and fostering conviviality and blah, blah, blah.
And it never worked precisely because you cannot compromise forever and still be happy, despite best attempts at some sort of pragmatic habitus.
Now life no longer feels like a compromise that is always in danger of breaking apart. Instead it feels like a kind of gentle ecstasy, a sentimental ride toward a foreordained future that makes the twinkle of the stars seem to be meaningful.
The world has opened up for me this last year. I have found the person that makes me all that I can be and (thank god) managed to get her to agree to be my equal partner in life. I am a suddenly and for the first time well-known to be a top student in my department. I am working interesting jobs in the social sciences. I have a dog. I have my own furniture. I have plans and goals and hobbies and damn near anything anyone could ask for.
I feel as though I went from infant to adult in the space of nine months. It is an amazing feeling and I still don’t quite know how it all happened. It is enough, I think, that it did.
If I die tomorrow I will die happy. It is an honor to be able to continue to do what I do. It is an honor and a boon and a joy. Everything from here on out is more than I could ever have hoped for.
Dammit life is good.