to be a “good man?” To be “adult” about things? To be “grown up?”
I am so bewildered by this problem I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s a hard few days and I’m sitting here posting on my blog, trying to be reflective.
Nobody has ever liked this thing.
I don’t know where I would have been without it.
I’m thirty-two. I try to be the best person I can be. I really do. It wasn’t a life project for a very long time, not a priority, not even on the radar. But these days, these years, I should say, I am trying very hard.
There is no point to thinking something if you’re not willing to stand by it. There is no point to standing behind what you think if there is nobody out there to listen to what you think.
This is cryptic and I am scattered.
Right now is one of those moments at which I don’t know what I should do or how I should act. That old “be true to yourself” shit is nonsense because of course selves are an autonomous construction created by everything around them.
I am going to sit here and sulk by myself like a weenie crybaby, or like a strong and principled person, depending on who made the movie.
Either way I wish I was done with school already and that a lot of day-to-day problems were solved.