Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

The big questions  §

are never answered without concession. If you are not, as is true in my case, amongst those that are capable of granting concessions without first dying, then you are destined to find that the big questions grow ever bigger as your life progresses.

The littlest problems become the problems that consume your life, and each time you are sure that you have outrun one of them and begin to lower your defenses, they return again with a vengeance heretofore unimagined.

You are trapped by yourself and by your desperate need for the world to be the way that you want it to be. The world, of course, will go on happily being something else entirely. And, if you are like me, you know that you will fight it each step of the way, no matter how hopeless, no mater how pathetic, no matter how dangerous. Such a path leads in two directions:

– You get to be Mao, Stalin, or Hitler
– Or you find yourself crushed under the wheels of justice, normativity, and sociality

The older I get, the more I am a Nietzschean.

The older I get, the more I wonder just what it is that holds my life together. Is there some miraculous technology of the self keeping my being afloat, or is it dumb luck that I am not yet consumed, despite those many twists, turns, and thresholds at which I thought I might be?

Do I love society or hate it?

Am I a totalitarian or an agnostic?

Is this the dialectical self or is it merely failure?

Will I know before I die, or is dying the only true form of knowing?

It’s official. I am going gray. This does not bode well for any dreams I may harbor of unusual longevity.