I’ve got to do something to get my head together. Things are tight. You don’t realize what a luxury it is to feel in total control of your life until you start to feel as though you’re fully subject to the whim(s) of fate.
But mostly the issue is a certain dark cloud that keeps following me around, threatening to rain on me. I need to fix that.
Things need to change. First amongst them is discipline and initiative. There were 24,000 things I was supposed to get done over break. I finished about four of them. I’d feel on top of the world if I’d done even half of them.
There is a lot of time in my life spent not working. When things are tight, this makes me feel as glum as hell. Now I know why people become workaholics… because then they feel (a) justified and (b) as though they’ve got some control over what goes on.
It isn’t enough to work “enough.” I begin to want to work so much that I can’t be accused of anything—by myself.