Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

I feel this mix of desperation and terror  §

right now as the ramifications of things I’ve already decided begin to come clear to me. I am basically about to cut of the legs of my academic career, the only thing I’ve ever really cared about or worked toward, with the expectation that I’ll be able to re-learn to walk, if with a slightly smaller stature.

It is the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire god damn life and it feels as though nobody I know understands the agony but me.

I suppose that’s because they’re my legs.

But the process of adaptation and reconciliation to the new sense of my life is going to be intensely difficult, frustrating, and deflating.

I’ll need an incredible amount of backbone, serenity, hope, and mindpower to be able to do it without having everything in the world that I care about, in just about every aspect of my life, spiral downward into destruction, neglect, and a kind of devastating irony.

Damn scary, but it needs to be done. I have to keep repeating this to myself.

When you start hearing Stevie Nicks floating through your head telling you about the seasons of your life, you know you’re in a bad state.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff in the academic world. But everyone’s gone right now. And everyone’s in New York, so soon they wouldn’t be of any help anyway.

God, this is hard. It feels like I’m trying to be a hundred conflicting things, and as a result, I can’t let myself be anything properly despite my desperate desire to keep it all together, on every front.

The sensation is simply intolerable and I hope it passes sooner rather than later, because otherwise I won’t make it.