food made me brilliant; drink made me brilliant; sleep made me brilliant; wakefulness made me brilliant; day made me brilliant and night made me brilliant; the silent phenomenal roar of winter made me brilliant and the lazy transparency of summer made me brilliant.
Now, none of these things make me brilliant.
I wonder, at times, whether I have remaining today any real thoughts at all. Yes, yes, a times they appear to jump out at me and I whip out whatever phone device I am tethered to at the current moment in my life in order to pick out a note on the keyboard, but the thoughts that I have this way are today pedestrian and often more at the level of needing recording simply so that they don’t disappear on me later on (since my memory can and will no doubt not retain a thought for long), not at the level of being so brilliant that it demands a written accounting.
Analysis, synthesis, exegesis, none of it happens for me any longer. More and more I literally push paper around. From this pile to that; then back again. To do so feels like accomplishment, like work (not merely labor). It feels critically important sometimes that I . get . all . of . the . items . from . this . pile . into . that . pile . goddammit, and not at all as though my time might be better spend actually having, say, a thought.
Perhaps it’s intellectual laziness. But there is no doubt a physiological point at which laziness and incapacity converge; this is a well-known fact along a number of other avenues of practice (fitness and kinetics, for example) and is no different in the cognitive realm.
Above all, I am simply at a loss, and this blog post is evidence of that.
“Just do it,” everyone says, “just be brilliant and write and continue and write a smashing good Ph.D. and publish umpteen methodologically and intellectually sound works. Be prolific; why are you so damned lazy right now?”
That amounts to the same thing as saying “Fly, goddammit, you worthless lazy ape. Flap your fucking arms and sail away already, you insufferable waste of hair and skin. FLY! FFFFLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”