Every time in my life I’ve felt like this before now, it had to do with a breakup, a loss, a move, some sort of structural devastation, some sort of drastic change that had occurred that had been desperately unwanted, often completely unexpected.
There is nothing like that this time. Everything is the same. Everything is far too “the same.” Everything is the same as it ever was, only—as is the case week after week—slightly moreso. There are no abandonments, no deaths, just failure and fear everywhere I look. Everything paints a picture of dread, of the dozen or so ways in which it can all come crumbling down, in which I am on the verge of devastating loss, not just for myself, but for everyone I love. And everywhere I look I see failure—the failures to live up to my responsibilities, even as they pile higher and higher toward the sky.
Every part of my body hurts. I am underslept and overtense, my blood pressure is no doubt through the roof and I don’t think I’ve felt as completely unhealthy, as completely spent in my entire life as I do now. I feel as though I may die of old age and general “giving out” at any moment.
Those around me are trying to be supportive by taking “little picture” positions and giving me advice. I should rest more, organize my work this way or that one, shift the way I do things 24 degrees or 48 degrees to the right or left. Nobody but me is caught in the big picture of the thing; the way in which I am simply too scarce a resource to go around, in which there is nothing out there but demands on Aron from all quarters, and with good reason, since they are all from people to whom I have willingly obliged myself and that are now depending on me.
I did it in the name of trying to create for myself and my family the life that we want. I now see that it is better to think small, to understand the ways in which one cannot be anything, cannot be a success, cannot get ahead, cannot jump a class, should not aspire, should not want, should not need in this life and in this society, structured the way that it is.
You are either born a Rockefeller or a nobody. You should learn your place and never, ever, ever try to change it. To think or do otherwise is to invite misery, failure, early death, etc.