Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

Sunday before reality.  §

Kids are here. Mom brought them over early, then went to work. I miss her.

— § —

I have to constantly reparent myself right now. It’s like I’ve regressed to being a teenager. I know how and what I ought to think and do, but in the moment, I often can’t get there these days. Too many raw things, too much that matters to me.

— § —

I’m not ready for the new year. I’m not ready for the work week. I’m not ready for a lot of things right now.

For a while I thought that I just needed some time alone, but right now every time I get time alone, all I do is sit with it. I don’t do things, I don’t really make mental or emotional progress. I just wait. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This is not a particularly healthy or productive strategy.

— § —

I hope I don’t still have a mid-life crisis coming ahead. I know that men are supposed to have them, but this is crisis enough for me.

For a while I thought about trading in the Volvo wagon for something mid-life-crisis-y like a used BMW 3-series, but I didn’t. I did buy a new wristwatch (an Orient military) and switch back to using Old Spice classic. Does that count?

I look around right now and I’m just plain mystified by my life. I don’t know what to make of it.

I think I am subconsciously building the courage and reserves for the big changes that must lie ahead, but consciously, I am in a kind of personal stasis.

Mostly what I do right now is love and miss my wife, feed my kids when I have them, try to keep the work ball rolling, and try to keep myself and the house clean. Anything beyond that seems insurmountable right now.

That’s tough because it’s not the me I’m accustomed to. I’m accustomed to feeling as though I can do anything. Confidence. Determination. And forward progress. Right now, I don’t feel these things and I don’t really feel as if I can accomplish them.

— § —

What I need to do is take some concrete steps. And soon. I think.

But sometimes it’s hard to have the courage to step off into the empty space of the future.

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