Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

Belief and disbelief.  §

I wake up on mornings when I don’t have the kids thinking about my life, my family, my kids, my wife.

There are times right now when she’d find that understandable, and times right now when she’d find it a frightening “obsession.” I don’t know what to make of it all—of her variations in feeling, of the fact that she sometimes wouldn’t find it to be sweet or caring, or of the fact that I do it. Perhaps she’s right? Perhaps not?

— § —

There appears to be a strange paradox at play in that there is a whiff of the conventional wisdom’s suggestion that it only makes sense for us to completely reconcile once we can demonstrate to ourselves and each other that none of us is suffering and neither actually needs the other all that much to be okay.

It’s strange to me.

It feels to me that if we can get to that point, we may as well not reconcile. Why invest the in the time, effort, heartache, and compromises necessary for a partnership when nobody particularly needs or wants it any longer? And yet it feels as if we are encouraging ourselves to work very hard to get to that point.

— § —

Disillusionment has become one of the key facets of my life right now.

What do I believe in? What do I want?

Hard to say. Other than my wife and family, fhere isn’t much that I find to be all that important, to matter. A kind of nihilism is creeping in around the edges, the same nihilism that I spent much of my twenties fighting.

I don’t like it.

Maybe I overestimate its pull and scope when I am in its throes.

But for now at least, early on a Friday morning all alone, I struggle to see the ultimate differences between a great number of the choices that exist in life. It can start to seem like the endless varieties of branding and products on offer in our largest stores.

— § —

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.