Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

The hardest thing.  §

The hardest thing right now is just being alone. Not because I can’t be alone. I can. I have. At times in my life, I’ve even reveled in it.

But right now, I’m married. And yet I’m alone. And I just want some… Well, some company. Someone to be with. Not on a date, at an event, nothing in particular. Someone to talk to as I go out and come in from taking out the trash. Someone that will lean through in my office door and ask me where something is. Someone that is sitting on the couch as I walk by, and that walks by me as I’m getting a soda out of the fridge.

You know. Companionship.

It is so frustrating at times not to have this. I don’t want to put pressure on my wife. It’s not what we need right now. But it is hard at times not to be able to share life without having to—you know—having to share it. Because sending a text or making a phone call makes things into a thing. Now you are spending time talking about them. And in a charged relationship environment, making things into a thing is more than ought to be done, most of the time.

It makes no sense to send a text and say, “gosh, this ketchup bottle is dirty,” or “dog needs out again,” or “it’s really cold out, wear a coat,” or “I can’t find my keys—oh wait—I found them!”

So all of these things go unsaid. And it feels weird to message them or call them over. Like I’m trying too hard if I do. They don’t deserve a message. They don’t rise to that level. But these are the things life is made of. Without them, what do we share? Memories. I sometimes worry that we’re drifting apart in ways that are just as significant as the emotional drift that we experienced before.

Sometimes I feel like we’re gonna end up in “we really love each other, but from a distance, and as friends” territory. And that would be a damned shame because it doesn’t have to be that way. At least, it doesn’t on my part. I guess it does on her part. I’m trying to understand and accept that. Sometimes I do better than other times.

Right now, at this moment for me, it just seems backward to try to put a marriage back together by willfully staying apart. You don’t talk. You don’t interact. And without talking and interaction, what is there?

Ugh. Okay, this has been me venting. I guess I need to trust the process. If wife and therapist aren’t bothered by it, then maybe I shouldn’t be either. But I’ll be damned if I don’t just want some companionship sometimes.