I recast painful questions as onanistic public reflection about me. That’s one of the things that I do. When, in fact, often the things that I’m meditating on concern my relationships with others in the world.
But because I have a distaste for confrontation and for its consequences—a discomfort that exists only with people that I care about, never with strangers—it becomes easier to make it a meditation about myself and my responses to others, in the rather solipsistic abstract, rather than in concrete events, thoughts, and terms.
See? I’m doing it again.
There is also some justification for this; many private things can’t be aired publicly with ethical justification, yet it is the public airing of things that makes me feel better.
So—then twist the knobs until only the part about me is left. Then, blog about it. The catharsis isn’t complete, but it’s better than nothing, and no-one gets hurt. Not right away, anyway. There is, of course, the quiet boil factor, that I now know can go on for years.
— § —
One of the things that’s hardest for me right now is not knowing the rules of engagement. I suppose a wise person would say that they are all being renegotiated, and that those about which I’m unsure are in fact hidden in shadow because they haven’t yet come up since all the rules changed or were dissolved.
Problems with this are twofold:
1) I find myself hesitant to engage anything about which I’m uncertain. Because, first, I am so emotionally exhausted by so many things (a long-term exhaustion that will take some time to overcome) that the thought of “renegotiation” is almost too much, not to mention that I’m likely not in the best frame of mind to interact with a clear head about sensitive issues. And because, second, anything that I raise may result in an outcome that is painful, so it is almost better to let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.
2) Partially as a result of circumstance and partially as a result of (1) above, new circumstances and realities are wont, just now, to come out of the shadows without my intervention and without any negotiation, and often it is painful anyway.
None of this is thus ideal, and yet I’m sort of along for the ride at this point. Because space has been an explicit request. Because I often don’t have energy for much else anyway. And because I don’t know any other way to live.
— § —
I’m haven’t generally thought of myself over the years as someone that was bothered by uncertainty in life, but my life in general is now testing this self-understanding. Turns out that the right kinds of uncertainty will get me just as good as they’ll get anyone else.