Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

Dispersion.  §

I really want to pull things together, move forward, regain focus and some sort of plan for the next five years, but it’s proving difficult to do when I struggle just to keep the dishes clean.

I’m spread a mile wide and a millimeter thick. That doesn’t lend itself to being my best self, or to making progress for the future.

This can’t go on forever; I have to figure out some way to get out ahead of things. I need to:

1) Invest more of everything in my marriage

and

2) Keep myself showered and groomed
2) Keep the bills (somehow) paid
2) Keep the day-to-day company work done
2) Keep the dishes and laundry done and house sort of disinfected

and

3) Spend more time in my kids’ lives

and

4) Develop a side income
4) Try to bridge my career past to my career future
4) Revive past major projects, esp. academic
4) Pursue side projects
4) Rediscover and reconnect with myself

At some times, it feels as though all of this is night-on impossible. Right now, group (1) is high-priority and I try to keep it always at the forefront. Group (2) is mostly done most of the time, but as you move down the list it gets more sketchy.

I honestly haven’t made it as far as group (3) in weeks.

And group (4), which is the “me” group?

Ummm…

— § —

Now my wife will be frightened by all of this if she reads it, as she won’t see how I can place marriage at (1) and yet self at (4) and have any hope that we can make it through this.

The problem is that the things in (1), (2), and (3) are all self. They’re the highest parts of self, the most important for self-maintenance. I will not survive in any way as someone that can “pursue side projects” or “reconnect with myself” if I am not showered and fed, or if my environment isn’t reasonably tidy, or if the relationship I have with my wife and kids goes south.

So those other things have to come first.

But I must, absolutely must tactically figure out ways to get myself to a place where I can sometimes work on tasks in group (4). That’s where progress and the future lie.

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