And so it will be a day of many posts. Fine, it’s been a while since I had one of those.
Here’s the thing. The greatest times in my life, and the times during which I got the most done, and felt the most positivity, were the times during which I shot from the hip, said what I thought, did what I did. When there was no filter and no judgment. When I lived as me, really me, come what may.
There’s a kind of vicious cycle that happens in life.
Live honestly -> Make great gains -> Become attached to those gains ->
Try to protect those gains -> Live less honestly to avoid risk ->
See what is effectively your dishonesty destroy things -> Hit rock bottom ->
Live honestly again …
You’d think that after living a few decades and seeing this play out over and over again, a person could move on and break out of the cycle and just stay at “live honestly.” But human nature is such that we become attached to things, and then we want to protect the things to which we’ve become attached, even if this protection sows the seeds of the destruction of any and all gains that come from living honestly.
I seriously don’t know how many times I’ve lived out this cycle. Over and over and over and over again. Maybe it’s just the human condition, the nature of life?
— § —
There is a deep, dark, secret part of me that realizes that what is missing is courage. I have courage for a lot of things in the world. I have historically been fearless in front of crowds. I have stepped into the most fraught situations to defend girlfriends. I can face mountains of debt and Ph.D. programs without batting an eye.
But a different level of courage is required to throw caution to the wind when it comes to your primary relationships in life. To say to yourself, “I’ll be who I am, and if I lose my significant other or my children, oh well.” I’m not there yet.
So I will keep living the cycle, I suspect, until I get there.