© Aron Hsiao / 2016
Here is what you need to know about having dogs and cats.
It is not all fun and games. Facebook is lying to you.
Here is what will happen. You will go to the store to get some food to prepare for tomorrow. You will spend more than you think you should on a few good cuts of fresh meat. Because people in Provo are completely handicapped in mysterious ways that cause them to move slower than water freezes, it will take you much longer to wait in the very long line of about three people than you ever thought possible.
So, when you get home, you will have to pee. You will run in utterly preoccupied and want nothing in the world more than to pee. So you will put the package of fresh meat on the kitchen counter, way up high, where it appears to be safe, as you have done a million times before to no ill effect, and you will go to pee. You will be gone for no more than a minute and a half or so.
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Now at this point, dear reader, you are no doubt thinking that what I’m going to say is that you will come back from the bathroom and find that your pets have eaten your meat.
That is what I would say if pets were sensible things. But they are not in any way sensible things. No, no, no, common sense is for approximately twelve percent of the human population only.
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What I am going to say is that you will come back from the bathroom after a brief interval to find that your meat has not been eaten at all, but rather that your tall dog has reached the countertop, seized your meat, torn it to shreds, and spread it around the kitchen and carpeted hallway. He has certainly not eaten it, not even a mouthful. No, it has all been reserved for the floor. He prefers instead to eat the styrofoam and the absorbent pad that were under the meat.
One might imagine that the cats would take care of the eating-the-meat-shreds-and-blood-off-of-the-carpet job, but no, that would also be attributing sense to cats that (contrary to what other cat owners may claim to you in a filthy lie) they simply don’t have.
No, having been raised on a diet of grocery store cat kibble, your cats will have no idea what to do with raw meat that they did not themselves see move and kill with bare claws. Rather, their instincts tell them that any “found” meat is merely roadkill. So, naturally, your cats will be on their backs rolling in the meat and blood, getting nicely and evenly covered, as is only proper, as the dog finishes scarfing down the last of the delectable yellow styrofoam and pad.
And you (this is the part about the owner, yes there is one) will not spend the evening cooking fine cuts of meat for yourself and your children on the morrow. No, no, no. You will spend the evening with two jugs of disinfecting wipes, a bottle of bleach, and a carpet cleaner, disinfecting countertops, wood cabinetry, linoleum, carpet, and cats while worrying and wondering if there is any remedy needed for a dog that has ingested uncooked styrofoam and gel pad.
You will go hoarse yelling in all directions to keep pets away from the area as they encroach in turn from every direction to take advantage of the scent properties of perfectly good roadkill while you maniacally try to clean. You will also wonder why you ever bothered to get pets in the first place and why everyone on Facebook and iFunny lies all the time about how cute they are.
When you are finally done, you will take out the trash, put away the wipes and the bleach and the carpet cleaner and then make your way to the kitchen to reflect on what you will cook now that your meat has been put to good use by the household animals. When you arrive, you will find them all sitting in a circle begging haplessly for dinner.
That is what it is like having dogs and cats.