I may be loosing my mind… Or at least, myself. I am suffering from a distinct lack of home in my world — I don’t know right now where I belong or where I am going. I refuse to accept the assertion that the career that I already have is what I will continue with, because it’s not what I want. Unfortunately, I don’t know what alternative will be my choice, or if any of them will.
Today was a beautiful day in Salt Lake City — the sort of day that reminds me of my reasons for staying. It was cool but not cold, and a strong breeze blew toward the north. The sky was grey with subtle patches of white where clouds might have been. The trees and their branches were black and leafless, blowing silently in air that smelled of rain and maybe even childhood yesterdays — the ones you can’t quite remember, but never forget. And in the distance, the mountains were tall and snow-covered. Beautiful. A fragment from a more pure world. Maybe even anachronistic. I spent nearly three hours driving alone through the city with the roof open.
Once, I had a home. I suppose that now, I need to find a way to make the world my home — a subtle task, and yet, I have never been a subtle person. Right now, the sidewalks and pavement of the city are as close as I come — I feel like if I belong anywhere, I belong on the sidewalks, underneath the street lights, and perhaps in the bus terminals and train stations as well. Maybe I am a ghost — and will haunt these places for the rest of my life. My face will be seen and forgotten by people with somewhere to go, but I’ll still be there when they pass by again — and they’ll get that sense of deja vu, and look and walk away quickly.