Leapdragon 2016 - Aron Hsiao Was Here

Monthly Archives: July 2003

I was sitting just by…  §

“I was sitting just by the window in the late summer afternoon… the blinds were partially drawn, enough to let in a bit of light without making me feel any more vulnerable than I already felt. I’d poured myself a little bit of brandy and set it down next to the ungainly stack of social sciences textbooks on my desk.

“As I was about to pick up the first book and begin my study, the smallest ray of light found its way from the world outside, past the small opening under the blinds, into the room and through the brandy glass. In the solemn gray glow, the brandy cast a pale brown shadow across the room, across the map of the east on the northern wall and across my shaking hand.

“I burst out sobbing without knowing precisely why. I grabbed up the glass, drank my brandy, and then picked up the book and began reading, sobbing all the while.”

I am so exhausted. It’s…  §

I am so exhausted. It’s almost like it would be easier if I suffered a coronary or a stroke in the middle of the night and never came to. So many things to worry about. So much stress. So much crap. I just don’t know sometimes if I really have the stamina to maintain my little identity here in my corner of the world, in the face of it all.

There is so much hate in this world, so much apathy on our tiny planet… it’s hard not to become swept up in the pain, not to lash out in kind… it’s hard not to become immobilized by it, not to become despondent, not to fear everyone.

And yet, hidden in the little nooks are crannies are such moments as you’ve never imagined until you meet them; things that make you love, things that make you cry, things that make you hopeful that someday we will all be one small world and one small family.

I only wish the people who fostered this kind of understanding weren’t as a matter of course so modest, so hard to discover… I feel as though I have so much to learn from them, yet while they live they tend to be so unknown…

Perhaps death is sometimes reality’s way of allowing those who have given enough to transcend the world in which we live…

Remember 1989? Remember 1991? Remember when the children of tomorrow were freed? Where has that feeling gone? Sometimes life is too bittersweet. Sometimes I just want to die.

One thing I will never understand… why are peacemakers and teachers so completely hated in America?

I am lonely. I would guess that most people in the western world are lonely, but only rarely admit it to themselves, and never to others, because the advertisements tell us to avoid other lonely people, and so we do, carefully.

I am going to Hawai’i to love everyone. Watch me.

Yes, yes.  §

I’m sitting here (yes, yes… I’m… … again) and I’m thinking back on all the times I’ve been “In Love” in my life… and the women (and girls) that stand next to those words. I don’t actually have very much to show for any of these relationships just now, in the present… just a few memories I can barely relate with any clarity but that somehow nevertheless manage to touch me on some level…

I don’t really know what else in life matters.

Or does it matter? I don’t know. I’m listening to “Home and the Heartland” on the Riverdance soundtrack (yes, I own it) and I’m frozen. immobile, caught in a panic of longing that doesn’t end.

I don’t know why I’m going back to school. I know, I know, I’ve been warned, the worst thing you can possibly do is go to graduate school not knowing why you’re going. I suppose I’m going because I haven’t found my life here… or anywhere else in the west… and I’m hoping to find it in the east. Myself and my camera and a CTA station. That’s the thrust of things at the moment.

Truth is, though, that I don’t really even know why I’m alive. Yes, yes, there are relgious reasons and dogma that could keep me occupied for years. But when push comes to shove, God is just another mime on the boardwalk, looking at me silently with his wide eyes and trying to communicate something that I can’t at all fathom.

It’s all too much to bear. I have to…

I need to redesign the…  §

I need to redesign the site. It’s not feeling like home any longer. Seems like I just adopted this look. Really, at this particular moment, I’ almost want the 2001 version back. I could use some peace right now, some kind of serenity.