So what I did while I was waiting for my laundry for fifteen or twenty minutes was read Steven Wright quotes after I stumbled onto them from somebody’s Web site and drink orange juice out of a vending machine. Mainly because I came down to get my laundry like fifteen minutes before the cycle was finished.
The hair is a hit. Apparently purple ain’t so bad.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m
gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says
it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus.