I feel like hell. I’m in a very bad mood tonight, without really knowing why. I think things are beginning to take their toll on me; there are too many conflicting interests, goals, and values all happening at the same time as twelve-to-fourteen-hour workdays.
My computer is too slow.
I have a headache.
I don’t feel like I have enough contact with my friends or family.
I’m short with them when I do have contact.
I don’t like coffee shops, but I am spending nearly every non-working hour in them.
I told J— recently that I felt like I was disappearing, and tonight I feel it more acutely than before.
Someone just brought to me a portrait of me they’ve been doing while I’ve been sitting here working. I bought it for $3.00. His name is “Llloyd with three L’s.”
Apparently I’m not disappearing after all.
Strange day. Should be a light day, by all rights, but doesn’t quite feel like one.
Last night I worked like crazy, got four chapters done
Everything in my life seems strange and foreign today; I feel like an inexperienced tourist in a faraway place, with no knowledge of the local language and little cash in my pocket. At least I feel appropriately dressed
I’m sitting in the coffee shop listening to A Flock of Seagulls and seeing the anonymous people swarm in and around me in weird light, like characters in a fast-motion short where the lights are flickering and you know it’ll all be over in a moment.
Back when overcoats and boots were edgy and fantastic, not trite, overdetermined, and ironic.
I miss every bit of innocence I’ve — we’ve — lost.
Sometime over the weekend, I was pushed out of google… or so I thought. But now I appear to be back. I wonder how that happened? Maybe things are happening that I don’t understand.
I’m stressed. Not just about work, but about life, bills, plans, living arrangements, health, age, relationships, deadlines, and a hundred other things.
But I suppose there’s not much to do but work through it.
Time to work.
Our arch-nemesis Hannity was discussing the fact that in every famous
The old adage is regrettably accurate: ownership is nine-tenths of the law.
After working for a month, I do have a little more breathing room financially, but now I have very little wiggle room temporally (or even, in a way, spatially).
You can never win on all fronts.
Today at work I finally reached some semblance of sanity near the end of the day, in which things were proceeding at a normal pace and I could reasonably make the claim that I was “caught up.”
First time since starting the job.
Today I was reminded again that I’m in a very good position overall, with respect to my life. I really should take time to appreciate it, and myself, a little more now and then. Whatever the next twelve-to-eighteen months brings in terms of logistical difficulties, things in the longer term are ready (as I was told today) to “blossom.”
I feel very optimistic.
I’m also very tired, though, so maybe I just have no idea what I’m talking about.
The ex-hippie insurance man tells me that he will teach me to surf, and he’s given me the name of a friend of his that makes and sells surf gear. I don’t know when I’m gonna find the time, necessarily, but damn it’ll be cool if I can get some surf skills acquired as a part of my stint in southern cal.
Gawd I feel ill this morning. I wonder if I’m coming down with something. I can’t stop coughing, sneezing, and sniffling. It’s raining pretty good, so the sneezing and sniffling somehow feels appropriate.
I bought soda on the way to work. Now I’m going to sit here and drink an incredible pile of soda. Wohoo. Woo, hoo, hoooo.
First Yale (who has given us G.W.), then Harvard (faculty no-confidence in the administration’s essentialist view of gender), now Columbia (stifling of any viewpoint other than the pro-Israel viewpoint)… Will any of our top institutions be left out of the conservative coup in which the United States is currently entangled, or will they all become mouthpieces for the moral underpinnings of the neo-crusades?
We have already shipped all of our manufacturing overseas, and much of our service overseas; we are a remnant economy of struggling intellectuals, cocky stockbrokers, rape-pillage marketers, and aryan-sectarian supremacist politicians selling our souls and the souls of our children into bondage on the currency speculation markets in order to fund an ill-conceived campaign of global aggression. Now it appears that we are not only content, but determined, to cede any attempt at struggling-intellectualism to foreign soil, leaving behind only the cocky stockbrokers, the rape-pillage marketers, and the Nazi administration.
In the end, the United States will be a nation of vicious, amoral, ultra-Christian, racist, undereducated, culturally illiterate middlemen wondering why the entire world has forcefully and determinedly written them off.
Wow, I’m just continually swamped. Every day is incredibly busy. And I still have a long night ahead of me, working on the book. Yow.
I’ve been putting off filling up my car because a) it costs so god damn much and b) my cash flow still hasn’t hit any sort of stride whatsoever, but just now on the way to a coffee shop, my car started to falter each time I stepped on the accelerator. So, knowing that even though I only have $1.18 in my main bank account, I know that pumps only authorize for $1.00 and then send the rest through at clear time, and I have to get to work tomorrow as well, and I have money transferring into that account (should be done tomorrow), so I decided to fill up.
It cost me nearly $40.00.
I don’t drive a fucking sport utility, I drive four-cylinder european sedan!
So I get to the coffee shop and need to buy something in order to use the wireless. Cheapest thing = $1.75 plus tax, which I pay entirely in dimes.
Even with my “swank” new job that pays fairly well according to most standards, I don’t know if I can afford to live in this society.
It takes far too long to get a job. Once you get a job, it takes far too long to get money coming in again. I’ve worked this job for almost a month now, but I haven’t made a current payment on a single bill. I’m still waiting on paychecks and funds to appear.
I started looking for work the moment I arrived here, more or less, meaning before November. All I did between November and March was look for work and temp. All I’ve done in march is work, 40 hours a week, and now three or four hours a night afterward.
Meantime, my credit is getting worse and worse becuase I still don’t have any actual money available to me. I have tons of money in process (i.e. waiting on deposits to go through and paychecks to be paid) but nothing that I can actually use. I’m driving on a tiny spare tire because I can’t afford to replace a tire. I’m sitting in a coffee shop to use free Internet, because I can’t afford to deal with paid Internet.
How am I supposed to get an apartment?
It’s gonna take me until next year just to dig out of the hole I dug by not having a job the moment I got out of school. Our society is structured entirely around the expectation of continuous, ongoing work. There is no room in it for gaps in work, or transitions in work. The moment you don’t have a job, you’re fucked, even if you’re looking for a job the entire time and you take the first one you find.
Beyond the disembodied female voice and the superheated, shifting desert sand, there is nothing but a breakbeat and a handful of grimy, coke-coated change on a subway train.
Now. Go. Down.