Do I have low self esteem? I never thought I did. I know I have a brilliant analytical mind. I’m one of the foremost computing and technology experts out there, even if I’m not always recognized for it. I’m very well read and very literate. I’m reasonably decent looking — not a model or anything — but reasonably decent looking. I’ve always thought I was overconfident.
But maybe she was a little bit right. I do let people walk all over me. I know that I wouldn’t have a lot of the relationships that I have in my life right now if I didn’t forgive people for things that they wouldn’t forgive me for, and I stick with people when they wouldn’t have stuck with me.
What’s the alternative? To be alone? I do hate being alone. Badly. Why do I think I’ll end up alone? I don’t know, I just always have when I’ve stood up for myself. And I don’t recover well from it.
But I also hate being treated like shit, and it seems that a lot of people have treated me like shit over the years, and it took me a long time to stand up for myself.
But I still don’t want to be alone and friendless.
I just don’t know. I wish I still knew how to cry like a baby, because I could use it right now, but I just don’t.
I hate life and I wish I wasn’t here.